


In Another World

by WaywardAF67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Dean Winchester Takes Care of Castiel, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Human Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Season/Series 12, Protective Dean Winchester, Resurrected Castiel (Supernatural), Sam and Jack go to save Mary, Sharing a Bed, Some Humor, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, or attempt at humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-05 19:10:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12195912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardAF67/pseuds/WaywardAF67
Summary: After Jack is born, he brings Cas back without his grace. He's experiencing physical pain from his injury and the growth of his soul. Dean stays behind to help Cas heal, while Sam and Jack go off in search of Mary. Follow Cas and Dean as they learn how to navigate their new friendship, and possibly more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First I want to thank Ellen of Oz as always for helping me edit and re-work this story so it makes sense. This story is about Cas and Dean. There will be very little about where Sam and Jack are and what they are doing. Just know they are safe and happy. Also, I think Jack has a crush on Sam. Idk how that happened, but it did. The beginning will be a little angsty, but the rest is going to be pure fluff. The fight they have needed to happen so these guys could start over. Dean may be a little OOC because he's actually using words and feelings, but he hates it. So it won't be TOO OOC. 
> 
> I don't have an exact schedule for this. I just want to finish it before Season 13 starts so maybe an update every few days? I will update as fast as I can. Please feel free to ask questions or make suggestions. I'm still pretty new at this writing stuff.

Jack stared at the man towering over him. He must be at least seven feet tall. This had to be Sam. The one Castiel told him about. Cas said he could trust Sam and Dean. He said Sam would be the big nice one, and Dean was the smaller abrasive one.

Sam was looking at him with a sort of baffled confusion, but Jack felt no hostility radiating off of him. Still, he was hesitant to move from his curled up position in the corner.

“Are you Jack? I’m Sam Winchester. I knew your mom, Kelly. Jack, I promise I won’t hurt you. But I have to know you won’t hurt me either.”

Cas was right, Sam was a gentle giant. Jack didn’t know why, but he trusted him. Would be willing to do anything in the world for Sam, even. Maybe he was just feeling the love Castiel had shared with him, or maybe he could see something in Sam. Whatever it was, Jack knew he was safe with Sam Winchester. 

Jack closed his eyes and searched for Castiel’s grace, but couldn’t feel anything. He looked up at Sam with big, panicked golden eyes. “Cas?”

“Uh, no, Jack. Cas isn’t here anymore. He um… Lucifer, ah... He’s gone. I’m sorry.”

Jack furrowed his brow, “What do you mean he’s gone? He was just here.”

Sam dropped down into a crouch. “I know, Jack. He was just here. But Lucifer stabbed him with an angel blade. He’s gone now.”

“Where is Lucifer? I will kill him.” Jack finally stood up and began to stalk towards the door. Sam reached out and grabbed his arm, but immediately dropped it when Jack turned back to him. He knew his eyes were glowing, and if he felt the energy in the room change, he was sure Sam felt it, as well.

Sam took a step back, holding his hands up in front of his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to grab you. But Lucifer isn’t out there. Before you were born, we think you created a tear in our reality.” 

Sam proceeded to tell Jack everything that happened during his birth, even explaining how Mary pushed Lucifer through the tear, trapping both her and Lucifer in an alternate reality.

“He’s still here? I can save him. I have to save him. He promised my mother he would look after me. I need him,” was Jack’s only response.

Jack didn’t know why saving Cas was more important to him than saving his mother. He felt her love and knew she would always be with him, but they had both made peace with the fact that he wouldn’t have her in his life. He imagined sharing paradise with Castiel. Castiel and the Winchesters. He had felt the love for the Winchesters stronger than anything else when he first touched the last remnants of Cas’ grace.

Sam appeared to be puzzled when he asked Jack, “You think you can save him?”

“I have to, Sam. He’s my family.”

“Yeah, okay. Just stay behind me. Dean’s going to flip his shit when he sees you like this,” Sam said as he descended the stairs.

“Cas warned me about him. I think I can handle him.”

Sam stopped as he was reaching for the door leading outside, the door where Jack would face a dead Castiel. He turned to Jack and asked, “You got really close with Cas in a short amount of time. Is that normal?”

“I don’t actually know. There is still so much I don’t understand. My angel knowledge seems to be programmed in my brain, but it’s my human side I don’t understand. I know I don’t physically need Castiel to survive. I will make it on my own, but I want him alive. I want his companionship, and I can’t explain that.

Sam smiled, “Yeah, Cas kinda works his way into your heart like that.”

Cautiously Jack asked, “You love him, don’t you?”

“I do. Like you said, he’s family, you know?” Sam huffed a humorless laugh. “He’s hurt me more than anyone I know. By all rights I should hate the guy. But I know every bad decision he made, every time he fucked me over, he did it from a place of love. We don’t have the same kind of bond that he and Dean have, but I know he cares. And really outside of Dean, I don’t think anyone has cared about me as much as Castiel has. Even if he did try and kill me.”

“Well then, let’s go bring him back.”

Sam walked up behind Dean and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Dean.” There was no response. “Dean?” He shook his brother’s shoulder.

Dean didn’t say anything, he just flicked his empty eyes up to Sam. “Dean, this is Jack. Kelly’s kid.”

Dean’s eyes shot over to Jack as he stood, rage filling his previously vacant stare. “You did this, you son of a bitch. Cas is dead because of you.” He stumbled toward Jack while he reached for his gun.

Sam stepped in front of Jack. “Dean, stop. It’s not his fault.”

“Bullshit.” Dean had both hand on his gun, but was aiming at the ground.

Dean was breathing heavily. “You sure that’s Kelly’s kid? I mean he was born like a fucking hour ago. Why does he look like a grown-ass man?”

“I don’t know, man. I know it doesn’t make sense. I guess we are just supposed to go with it.”

Jack finally spoke to Dean for the first time. “I’m part-angel, Dean. There are many things I can do. Most of them are unexplainable. But if you just have a little faith--”

“Faith. Are you fucking kidding me?”

Sam cut in before Dean decided to shoot Jack. “Dude, we can argue semantics later. Just let Jack fix Cas, then we can discuss the rapid rate of angel aging.”

Jack noticed the slight shift in Dean’s demeanor. He took one hand off his gun, leaving it dangling at his side in a loose grip. Jack knew the gun wouldn’t have hurt him, but it would have been annoying. The longer Cas stayed dead, the harder it would be to bring him back, so he was happy to avoid any delay.

He looked back at the brothers and explained that he wouldn’t be able to bring Cas back as an angel. He didn’t have much grace left when he was living, and when he died the grace died along with him. But he did have the traces of a soul from his time as a human, and that would be enough to bring him back.

He kneeled in the dirt next to Cas, taking notice of the scorched wing marks on the ground. There was hardly anything there. Further proof that his grace was nearly depleted. 

He placed both hands on either side of Cas’ face, but Sam stopped him.

“Wait. Are we sure this is what Cas would have wanted? I mean, maybe he’s at peace now. We don’t know what happens to angels when they die. What if he’s somewhere better?”

Dean scoffed, “Of course this is what Cas would have wanted. You think he would have skipped town on his kid? Left us to clean up this mess on our own?”

“Yeah, I know, but last time Cas was human he hated it. He said he felt useless.”

“Well, then we just gotta show the dumbass that being human doesn’t make you useless.” Dean paused and took a deep breath. “Sammy, you gotta trust me. I know him. I know he would want this.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I trust you.” Sam nodded at Jack for him to continue.

Jack thought it was strange how some things he just knew how to do, and other things made no sense to him. He couldn’t understand the trust he felt in Sam, or the annoyance he felt at Dean. He didn’t understand how he knew what trust and annoyance felt like. It was like he had two sides of himself fighting for dominance. And really, he did. But one thing he knew fully was how to focus all his grace into the spark that was Castiel’s soul. It didn’t take long before he felt the spark ignite. He could feel Cas’ body shifting under him. No big movements, just a few muscle twitches, but he knew soon Cas would be waking up.

Jack was growing tired when Castiel opened his eyes. He hardly noticed Dean dropping to his knees on the other side of Cas. He felt like he was using all of his power to help Cas fully form his soul. He heard voices around him, but didn’t stop. The edges of his vision were turning black and he was dizzy, but if he stopped now Cas wouldn’t have a complete soul, and he knew that was bad, yet he didn’t know why.

Sweat was trickling down his forehead, and he felt a hand on his shoulder. That was the last thing he remembered before everything turned black.

When Jack came to, he heard quiet murmurs in the distance. He was trying to figure out where he was, who he was, when he overheard someone say, “Come on, man, after what he just did, you have to at least give him a chance. Cas has always trusted him. I think we should too.” Jack smiled. Sam was the only one who would be standing up for him like that. 

“Look, I know you want to trust him, Sammy, and I can’t thank him enough for bringing Cas back. But the fact is, we still don’t know if he’s good or evil. Is that a chance you want to take right now?” And there was Dean. Jack was oddly comforted by Dean’s lack of trust. After all, Jack himself didn’t know if he was good or evil. He didn’t feel evil, and wanted to be good and do good. So that must make him good, right? He wished Cas would wake up so he could ask him what he thought. He knew Cas was good. He knew Cas did bad things, but always for the right reasons. And in Jack’s book, he still considered that good. 

He sat up and realized he must have been on the couch. Looking around the room, he saw Sam standing over Dean and Castiel. Dean was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, his feet stretched out in front of him. Cas was laying with his head pillowed on Dean’s thigh with a blanket wrapped around him. 

“Sam, is Cas alright?” Jack asked. 

Sam turned around with a shocked expression on his face, that quickly melted into a grin. “Hey Jack, how you feelin’?”

“I’m fine. I guess bringing a person back from the dead in your first hour of existence will really take it out of you.”

“Yeah, well you did a great job. Cas is okay. He was awake for a little while. Just long enough to tell us you were trying to help him form his soul, but didn’t get it completely anchored.”

Jack gave a resigned sigh. “I was worried I wouldn’t finish. The last thing I remember was thinking if I didn’t keep going Cas might come back, but the pain he would be in would be unimaginable. Was it? Is he okay?”

“He didn’t say. Cas has never been the type to complain about injury though, so I don’t know. It could have been bad.”

Sam gave Jack a look that he was struggling to interpret. He kept widening his eyes and jerking his head to the right. He knew Sam was trying to tell him something without Can and Dean knowing, but he couldn’t make it out. Finally Sam huffed and said, “Come on, let’s get you some water.” 

The nephilim got up and followed the younger Winchester into the kitchen. “I’m sorry, Sam, there are still many things I don’t understand. What were you trying to tell me?”

“I just wanted to get you alone so we could talk. I was trying to tell you to come in the kitchen with me,” Sam chuckled. 

“Oh, that’s why you were jerking your head towards the kitchen. I understand.”

“Yeah. Look if Dean heard me say this he would murder me. But he and Cas have this ‘profound bond’. He looked like he was miserable, but the second he hugged Dean his features went a little softer. I think the bond might help ease the pain of his soul anchoring, or whatever you called it. Maybe it’s because Cas saved Dean from Hell. Maybe because Dean has been healed by Cas so many times that his soul recognizes him, like there are still traces of grace that remember or something. I don’t really know what it is, but they need to be around one another right now.” 

“That makes sense. A soul is just another form of grace. From what Cas showed me, he protected Dean’s soul with his grace when he pulled him from hell. It makes sense that his soul would reach out to something familiar. I'm sure they share a very profound bond indeed. I imagine he would want to help take care of Cas. Being a human won’t be easy for him, he will need help learning to adjust. Although, I can’t really see Castiel asking for the help.”

“Yeah, we won’t have a problem there. Dean won’t give Cas the chance to ask for help. Poor Cas is about to get a dose of Mama Bear Dean. Trust me when I tell you, in no time, Cas will be reminding Dean that’s he’s been human before and not a complete idiot.”

“Good. Then what’s the problem?” Jack asked. 

Sam shuffled his feet uncomfortably. “We can’t just leave our mom in that alternate universe, dude. She’s stuck there with Lucifer - we have to go get her. I mean, if you can even re-open that rip thing again.”

“So then, we go get her.”

“Honestly, at this point I don’t know what will be more important to Dean. If there is even a chance of losing Cas again, I can’t see him running off on what is most likely a suicide mission. How can I ask him to choose between his…. uh… Cas and Mom.” Sam’s voice cracked as he finished the sentence. He had been staring at the floor, but cleared his throat and looked at Jack. “It’s a fucked up situation. But Cas was there when she wasn’t. He’s had almost a decade with Cas. He’s our family. No one has been more loyal to Dean, not even me. When mom came back, she wasn’t even our mom. She was a stranger who ran away. She didn’t even try to get to know us. And I get it, man, I really do, and I know Dean does does too. But when push comes to shove, Cas has been there. Cas would be there no matter the circumstances. I don’t want to give him one more thing to feel guilty about. He’ll choose Castiel, and he’ll hate himself for it.” 

Jack gave Sam a small smile. “I didn’t mean the three of us. I meant you and I, Sam. We can go get your mother and hopefully kill Lucifer, should the opportunity arise, while Dean stays here and helps Castiel settle in.”

Sam barked a humorless laugh. “Yeah, right. Dean would lock me in the dungeon before letting me go off with you.” Realizing his offense, Sam quickly added, “I mean he doesn’t trust you, but I do. I know you are not evil. I mean you’re not, right? Of course you’re not.” 

“When Cas talked to me about you and Dean he told me that you ramble when you get nervous. He always thought it was endearing, and I have to admit that I agree.”

Sam blushed. “I just don’t know how we will convince Dean to let me go with you.”

“I think I might have an idea.”


	2. Chapter 2

“You want to do what?” Dean hissed, clearly trying not to disturb Cas. 

“It’s not a bad plan, Dean. You know Cas needs you right now. Plus, with Jack’s two-way prayer radio, you’ll know we’re okay.” Sam pleaded. 

“How is any of this a good plan?” Dean looked at Jack. “No offense, man, but I’m not just going to send my little brother off with some omnipotent power to face off with Lucifer. You’re his offspring. It’s hard to believe your loyalties lie with a dude you’ve only known for a few hours.”

“I understand your hesitation, Dean. But as long as I am in contact with Sam you will be able to speak to him as well. You will know he’s safe. Lucifer may have provided the seed for my conception, but he is not my father. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a grown man.”

Dean interrupted, “Still doesn’t freaking make sense.”

Jack just glared at Dean. “As I was saying, I’m grown. If I were to look at anyone as a father figure it would be Castiel. He talked to me often. He showed me things. Promised me he would show me how to be good man. I know you don’t have any reason to trust me, Dean, but if you want to wait until Cas wakes up you can ask him.”

“I just --”, Dean hesitated. “It’s not even about you. Not really. I don’t get a creepy villain vibe from you. It’s just... I don’t want Sam to be around Lucifer anymore than he has to be. Especially without me around.”

Jack gave Dean a confused look, but before he could say anything Sam asked, “Is this about that universe Zachariah sent you to? Where I said yes and was Lucifer?” 

“And what if it is?”

“Dean, I’m not going to accidently say yes to Lucifer, and I sure as hell am not going to consent intentionally. So what’s your real fear here?” 

Cas began to stir and Dean dropped his voice again, “I don’t know. I mean you already said yes to him. Do you need consent every time they want to come back in? Or does he have free rein of your body?”

“That is apparently knowledge that is not hardwired into my brain, but I can still set you at ease with that, Dean. Crowley has locked Lucifer in that vessel. He used the warding from the cage and imprinted on the molecules of his current vessel. He couldn’t leave him even if he wanted to,” Jack tried to reassure Dean. 

The conversation was brought to a halt when Cas opened his eyes and moaned. Dean laid his hand in Cas’ hair and began to softly stroke the strands. “Hey buddy, take it easy, okay? Don’t try to sit up,” Dean instructed. But because they were dealing with Castiel, Angel of Not Listening, he shot right up. The regret was obvious when he whimpered and clutched at his chest. “What happened?” he asked.

Over the next several minutes Sam, Dean, and Jack explained everything to Cas in detail. They explained how Lucifer killed him, right up to the point where Jack passed out and Dean helped him inside. 

Cas told them he didn’t remember initially waking up, or holding on to Dean like he was his only lifeline. They told Cas of their plan to save Mary, and hopefully once and for all ice the devil, Dean’s words.

Cas stared at Jack with wide-eyed concern. “Are you okay? How is your grace? Do you feel weak?”

Jack smiled. Castiel was every bit as nurturing as he knew he would be. “Yes, Castiel, I am fine. My grace is fine. It took a lot out of me to regenerate the tiny spark you still had left into an actual soul. It’s not fully formed yet, and I’m afraid it’s going to be painful as it anchors through your body. There is nothing I can do about that, but I would like to heal the rest of your injury. I wasn’t fully able to heal the hole in your chest while restoring your soul. But it shouldn’t take too much to fix you now.”

Cas jerked away from Jack’s hand and cried out, “No!”

The three other men stared at him. He continued, “No, Jack, you need to save your strength. I am healed enough that my body will take over the rest. I’ll be fine.”

“Cas, don’t be a dumbass. Let Jack heal you,” Dean insisted.

“Dean, he is taking your brother to save your mother. You of all people should understand how important it is that Jack is at full strength.”

“I assure you, Cas, I will be fine. Just let me ease some of the discomfort.”

Cas just glared at Jack, and he could tell he wasn’t going to convince Cas to let him help. Jack looked at Sam and asked, “Is he always this stubborn?” Sam chuckled softly and nodded, giving the angel/human hybrid a sympathetic welcome-to-dealing-with-the-Winchesters look.

Trying to distract everyone from the current topic of conversation, Dean went from a sitting position to a crouch in front of Cas. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” He wrapped his arms around Cas’ middle and heaved him up. Dean was holding on tight, as he walked Cas into the kitchen and sat him down at the rickety kitchen table. 

Sam and Jack watched as Dean bounced around the house. He collected washcloths, towels, clean clothes from his duffel bag, an unnecessary amount of soap, and bowl of hot water. Every time Cas tried to take care of himself or tell Dean he could do it himself, Dean just snapped at Cas and told him to be quiet and sit still. 

All three men helped Cas get undressed so Dean can give him what he called a “whore bath”. Sam scoffed and called Dean a pig. 

“Dean, I appreciate your concern, but I am fine. I can take care of myself.”

“Right, of course,” Dean said as he walked out of the room. 

The three men shared a confused look before setting Cas up to start cleaning himself. Sam hung back in case he needed help. 

Jack followed Dean outside. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, he’s going to be fine. You and Sam will be fine. It’s good. I’m good.”

“He is going to be fine, but Dean, he’s going to need a lot of help. Don’t let him fool you. He will be in a tremendous amount of pain. You have a deep connection, your presence will help his soul heal.”

Dean heaved a defeated sigh and asked, “Yeah, and what happens when he’s all better and doesn’t need me anymore?”

Jack had no response. He knew Castiel would choose to stay with the Winchester if he could, but he also knew that things were never as simple as just getting what you wanted. There was nothing more he could get from Dean so he made his way back to Sam and Cas. He wanted to speak with Cas before he and Sam left to find Mary.

As he made his way into the house, Jack could hear the low murmurs of conversation coming from the kitchen. Cas was fully dressed and his hair was still damp. Sam had a duffle bag on the table going through the things he would need. 

“I would like to go as soon as possible, Sam. Perhaps you could say goodbye to Dean, and give me a moment with Castiel?”

“Yeah, man, of course. I think I have everything we will need,” Sam assured him. 

Hearing the front door close, Jack stepped forward to embrace Cas. “I wish we had more time before I had to go. I want to know you beyond a mental connection. Dean will care for you and when Sam and I return, we will get to know each other properly.”

Cas squeezed Jack, “Please be safe. I would hate for all of this to have been for nothing. The idea of you scared me initially, but I think I will like having you as a protégé.” 

“This isn’t heaven, Castiel. I am not your intern. We bonded as family while I was in the womb. You may not see me as your child, but you are the only father I’ve known.”

“Well, you know what they say about family not ending with blood.”

Puzzled, Jack confessed, “I’m not sure I know that saying.”

“Family don’t end with blood.” 

Jack whipped around to see Dean standing in the doorway, Sam standing tall behind him. “C’mon, let’s get this show on the road.”

The four men gave the house one last pass through before locking up. Sam carried the bags to the trunk as Dean helped Cas outside. After a round of hugs and goodbyes, Dean settled Cas in the car. He leaned over Cas to fasten his seatbelt, and gently shut the door. He gave one last hug to Sam and turned to Jack with a stone-cold expression on his face. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but if you don’t bring him back whole, safe, and soon, I will find a way to kill you.” 

“Deeean,” Sam groaned, sounding like an embarrassed fourteen-year-old going on his first date. 

“I promise you, Dean, I will keep Sam safe. He will be my top priority. Even over getting Mary home,” Jack insisted. 

“Seriously guys, right here. You don’t have to talk about me like I’m not around.”

“Good. And you’ll call. Or whatever the fuck we are calling it? Every day? And answer when I pray?” 

“Yes, Dean, all you have to do is pray to me and I can open the connection between us. You can speak to Sam anytime you would like. Have faith in me, Dean. I trust you with Cas, in turn you must trust me with Sam.” 

Dean looked at the ground and mumbled, “Thank you.” 

Jack was tempted to taunt him, make him repeat himself louder. But he knew Dean’s sentiment was insecure and it was hard enough for him to spit out in the first place. 

Jack stepped closer to the lake, closed his eyes and focused his energy on opening the portal to another reality. It wasn’t going to be easy to find Mary, but he knew that he and Sam would be successful. Looking over his shoulder, giving Cas and Dean an encouraging smile, Jack took Sam’s hand and stepped through the portal.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one has some angst, but I promise it doesn't last long. Chapter 4 will be out tonight or tomorrow morning.

Cas wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he slowly woke as he felt the car come to a stop. “Where are we?” he asked.

“We’re stopping so you can get some rest.”

“Dean, I’m fine. I told you I don’t need to stop,” Cas huffed.

“Then explain to me why you were whimpering and clutching your chest every time I hit a bump,” Dean said gruffly. 

Cas didn’t respond, he just rolled his eyes and looked out the window at the cheap motel with the flashing vacancy sign. It was only three pm, and he knew Dean would rather drive until he couldn’t keep his eyes open. The bunker was a good two-day drive, and he didn’t want to spend any longer away from home than he had to. He hoped the bunker was still his home.   

“Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

Cas watched Dean rush across the parking lot. Dean had been acting strange since his return. He wouldn’t let the former angel out of his sight, but would hardly say anything to him, other than letting him know he was going to further injure himself. Cas was fighting a million emotions, and Dean’s actions were only making the situation more complicated.

The last time Cas was human he didn’t feel such a loss. He wasn’t so empty inside. He was in survival mode the entire time, never letting himself feel the emotions that constantly threatened to bubble over. This time, for now, he was safe. He was recovering from an injury and just lost what he had come to think of as his child. He was using that as his excuse for feeling so emotional. He refused to believe Dean’s treatment was the reason he was on the verge of tears.  

He was going over everything in his head, assuring himself that Dean’s distance wasn’t a reason for his emotional ache in his chest, when the driver’s side door wrenched open. Dean slid behind the wheel grumbling to himself, “Fucking rip off. I should go back in there and kick his ass on principle.”

Cas looked over and asked, “What are you talking about?”

“That fucking asshole made me pay double just to get a room on the first floor. Said the room was reserved. As if a shit hole like this took reservations.”

“Why did you insist on staying on the first floor?”

“What, am I going to carry you up to the second floor? I don’t think so, Cas. I’m strong, but not ‘carry a six foot, damaged, ex-angel up a flight of stairs’ strong.”

Cas had finally reached his limit and he glared at Dean. “I’m not an invalid. My legs work just fine. I’m not a baby in a trench coat anymore, Dean. I can handle a damn flight of stairs.”

He turned to grab said trench coat from the back seat, causing a spark of pain to shoot through his chest. He sucked in a deep breath through clenched teeth, gripping his coat and slamming the car door as he made his exit. It was only once he was standing in front of the car that he realized he didn’t even know what room they were in. So much for a dramatic exit.

Standing there, watching Dean collect his duffle bag, the fight left Cas just as quickly as it came. He knew Dean was just trying to help, but he would rather have his friend with the easy conversation and bad puns, not this over-protective Mama bear who refused to talk to him about anything other than his heath condition.

He turned to look back at the hotel, thankful Jack was able to at least close the hole in his chest the blade created. He was sure he would have contracted a staph infection from the skeevy hotel if he hadn’t. As he was sending a silent thank you prayer to Jack, he felt Dean lift his left arm and wrap it around his neck. He wanted to roll his eye or insist Dean let him walk himself to their room, but the truth was he was exhausted, and the stability his friend provided felt nice.

They slowly made their way across the motel parking lot and came to a stop at their designated room. Cas mourned the loss of Dean’s hand around his waist as he unlocked the door. “Come on, buddy, in you go,” Dean murmured as he kicked the door open. Cas felt guilty for letting Dean haul his weight as the stumbled to the bed. He tried to convince himself it was easier to let Dean take care of him than to fight it. This was Dean’s way of showing he cared. He may be acting distant and not speaking to him, but he was making sure Cas knew he was taken care of. That eased a bit of worry Cas had been pretending he didn’t have. 

There was a tiny part of him that was scared Dean would kick him out again. He understood why Dean did it in the first place, and would have left willingly if he had known. But the one thing Cas knew for certain about being human, was sometimes emotions paid no mind to logic.

“Let’s get you in the shower and you can take a nap.” Dean bent down to untie Cas’ shoes. After he divested Cas of his shoes and socks he stood up, pulling Cas with him. Dean gave him a nervous glance before he reached for Cas’ belt buckle. He was in shock, Dean was undressing him, and that made him uncomfortable. He felt his body flush in embarrassment and he jerked away. “Dean, I can undress myself. Why are you treating me like a two year old?”

“Because, Cas, you basically are. You keep trying to pretend like you aren’t recovering from a life ending injury. I know you’re hurting. Stop being so damn proud and let me help you.”

Cas felt a low growl deep in his throat, but he stood still as Dean helped him undress. He was down to his boxers when Dean went to his duffle bag and pulled out some clothes for Cas to wear. He handed over his toiletry bag. “If you need me to help you wash your hair, call me. I’m sure it hurts you to lift your hands higher than your shoulders. If it starts to hurt, don’t be a shit. Just call me.”

He snatched the items from Dean’s hands and stomped to the bathroom. He just needed to get away from his friend. He didn’t know why, but the air between them had been so uncomfortable. He never felt this way around Dean and it was exhausting him more than his recovery. Not for the first time, he wished he hadn’t insisted Jack not heal the rest of his wound. He knew saving his strength was important if they were going to look for Mary, but he now regretted not letting Jack heal him fully. He instantly felt guilty for thinking of his needs over Jack’s and Mary’s.

He took his time in the shower, not caring if Dean had planned on showering after him. The hot water was too relaxing and the space was making him feel better. Dean wasn’t wrong, it did hurt to lift his arms and wash his hair, but he needed to do it himself. There was no way he was going to let Dean coddle him further.

He toweled off and got dressed in a pair of Dean’s old jeans and a soft black t-shirt. He wasn’t paying much attention to his actions - his mind was wandering off trying to figure out what he had done to upset Dean. Pulling himself to the present, he scowled at his reflection in the still foggy mirror. His image looked distorted and he thought that was fitting. It matched how he felt on the inside. He let out a long sigh and told his reflection Dean was dealing with his own problems. He wasn’t going to make himself feel guilty over something he wasn’t even sure he had done.

As he pulled the door to the bathroom open, he began, “I probably used up all the hot water, Dean. The water felt so good. I’m sorry you will probably--”

His sentence dropped off abruptly as he saw Dean walking out the door. His heart began to race.

“I left you a note. I, uh... I’m going out. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I left money for a pizza.” And just like that he was gone. Cas has a small flash of panic thinking this was it, Dean was leaving him there. He wasn’t useful to him anymore, so he was abandoning him in a shitty hotel in, where were they, Idaho?

Cas took several calming breaths, something he learned at the homeless camp in Rockford. He was prone to anxiety and a homeless man taught him breathing sometimes helped. He chuckled bitterly. A homeless stranger helped him more than his own ‘family’ had. He added mental air quotes around the word. 

He plopped down on the bed, too exhausted to care if Dean was coming back or not when he saw the note Dean had left him.

_ Cas, _

_ I went out for a beer. Get some rest. _

_ When you wake up, order a pizza. _

_ Get anything you want except _

_ mushrooms. And save me a few _

_ slices. I’ll be back later. _

_ -D _

Cas stared at the note. He felt a little childish for his earlier panic. Dean had no reason to abandon him. Sure, he wasn’t a helpful angel anymore, but he was connected to Jack. And as long as Jack had Sam in some alternate reality Dean would need him around. He felt better as he lay down, thinking about what kind of pizza he wanted when he woke up. A supreme with extra mushrooms.

\----------------------------------

Dean pulled out of the parking lot of the latest no-tell. He tried to leave before Cas was out of the shower, but the guilt weighed on him. He instructed Cas to call him if he needed help with his shower, but knew he wouldn’t have asked for help, even if he needed it. So he snuck out, just as Cas was stepping out of the bathroom. He didn't even remember what he said to Cas as he walked out the door. 

Sitting at the bar several blocks over -he purposely avoided the one across the street- he decided running away from Cas was not better than sitting next to him.

He was being petty and he knew it, but he couldn’t imagine losing Cas again. The heartbreak Dean saw on his face when Jack told Cas that he had to stay behind with him, as a human, told Dean everything he needed to know. Cas didn’t want to stay with him. It was just like every other time throughout their long history. Cas would heal and probably run off to find his grace again, or run back to his happy life at the Gas-n-Sip. Hunting was no good for an ex-angel-turned-human, and Cas would see that and leave. Like always.

It was best this way, best he distanced himself now. Not get used to having Cas around. But sitting at a bar nursing a warm beer was no better than sitting at the hotel avoiding talking to his best friend. With a sigh, he pulled out a twenty and threw it on the bar.

Not for the first time, he considered the possibility that he was being unreasonable. Maybe Cas wouldn’t run away, maybe Cas wanted to stay. It wasn’t completely unlikely. If he could just open up to Cas and be honest with him. Tell him he wanted him to stick around, maybe he would.

As he drove the short distance back to the hotel he let his mind wander, thinking about what it would be like if he and Cas could just be normal friends. A friendship that didn’t involve Lucifer, the apocalypse, or any other world-ending catastrophe. He imagined driving back to the bunker and stopping at every dumb attraction that caught Cas’ eye along the way.  Probably five different apiaries, farmers markets, and craft fairs. They could go out to movies and try new food. Dean remembered Cas said he missed enjoying food. Maybe they could try new things together.

Pulling into the dark parking lot of the run-down motel broke Dean from his reverie. The guilt came crashing down on him. He was planning man-dates with Cas while his little brother was off saving their mom. It hardly seemed fair. But it didn’t exactly sound like Sam was suffering. He had talked to Jack once through their weird, unexplainable prayer hotline, and Sam a few times. He had seemed like he was okay, almost as if he was enjoying himself. Maybe it was time for him to let go of some of the guilt and enjoy himself for once.

While he was in the bar, he had felt the telltale scratch of Sam trying try to make contact. It seemed as though time worked differently in other dimensions, because Sam called every few hours and it always seemed like it was a new day for him. He hadn’t wanted to talk to him then, but he leaned his head back against his seat and tried to call out to Sam in his mind now. He had never called Sam before, so he wasn’t sure if it would work.

After a few minutes of trying, he gave up. Maybe he was sleeping, or maybe he wasn’t able to receive calls from Dean. Either way, his stomach growling finally convinced him to exit the car. He wondered what type of pizza Cas got and if he order extra mushrooms. It’s something Cas would do if he was feeling feisty.

He opened the door and could hear Cas talking in the bathroom. “Cas?”

Cas raised his voice, “He needs some space? Are you kidding me? I just lost everything, Sam.”

Dean panicked, clearly he wasn’t meant to hear this. He slammed the door to alert Cas of his arrival.

\------------------------------

Cas had woken up from his nap to what felt like a scratching in his brain. It had been a familiar feeling, but he couldn’t quite place it. After a few moments he groggily remembered that was the feeling he got when Jack was talking to him through the womb. He shot up out of bed, mentally letting Jack in. “Jack, is that you?”

“No Cas, it's Sam. But Jack says hi. How are you, man?”

After establishing that Sam and Jack were doing okay in the other reality, he told Sam about how Dean had been looking after him, but had been distant.

“He’s been treating me like a child, like I’ve never been human before. I could tolerate that if he wasn’t also being such an ass. The only time he talks to me is to tell me how incompetent I am. I just feel uncomfortable around him. I don’t know why he’s acting like this, Sam, but it’s exhausting me.”

“Dude, look, normally I wouldn’t meddle. But you have to give him some space right now. He’s Dean. He’s probably blaming himself for what happened to you. He probably feels guilty about the last time you were human, and honestly he’s probably terrified that once you’re better you are going to leave again. I'm sure he's thinking if he doesn’t get close to you again that it will be easier to let you go. That’s probably why he’s distancing himself.”

Cas saw red. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He began to shout aloud, “He needs some space? Are you kidding me? I just lost everything, Sam. Everything I’ve ever known and he needs time to cope? I’m the one who has to figure out how to be human again. I’m the one scared I have to do it on my own again. Two thirds of my family just left me, and the other can’t wait to get away from me. This is my life, but he needs space? Fine. Space he shall have. Please take care of yourself, Sam and check in soon. I will speak with you later.”

“Cas, I--”

He didn’t let Sam finish before closing off his mind. His heart was racing and he felt the tears burn at the back of his eye. It wasn’t Sam’s fault, and he felt bad for being so rude to him. He was just so angry. Of course Dean was trying to push him away. Classic, predictable, selfish Dean. Only worried about how this affected him.

He choked out a sob, and let a single tear fall before he heard the door slam shut.

“Cas?”

Shit. Cas couldn’t face Dean right now. If Dean needed his space, he would gladly give it to him. He took a second to compose himself and made sure his eyes didn’t look too red. He stormed out of the bathroom and reached for his trench coat hanging over the back of a chair. He decided against grabbing it, wanting to get as far away from his old self as he could in that moment. He glared at Dean as he reached for the door. There was a bar just across the street and Cas needed a drink.

“Where are you going?” Dean asked, following him out the door.

“I need a drink.”

“Cas, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’d rather you not do human things alone right now.”

Cas stopped in his tracks, turned to face Dean and got right in his face. “You forget, Dean. I’ve already learned how to be alone as a human.”

He could tell Dean was stunned. He took off, stalking across the street, hoping Dean wasn’t going to follow him. When he reached for the door of the bar, he looked across the street and could see Dean still standing in the middle of the parking lot.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas walked into the bar and took a seat in one of the empty stools. The bartender was tall and burly. He reminded Cas of Benny, and wasn’t that just great. He even had a southern drawl when he asked Cas, “What’s your poison?” Only this guy sounded more like he was from Southern Texas as opposed to Benny’s Cajun drawl.

“Three shots of Fireball, please.”

The bartender eyed him warily, but proceeded to pour Cas his drinks. He placed all three shots down and gave Cas his total. He handed over a credit card and drank his shots in quick succession. He still had his James Novak card. The one he used to rent the house. The house Kelly died in. The house Sam snatched his would-be son, right out from underneath him. Impatient that the first three shots were doing nothing, Cas signaled for two more. He didn’t break eye contact with the bartender until he shrugged and poured two more. Cas finished the first and had just picked up the second when he heard, “Maybe you should take it easy. You don’t have the same tolerance you used to.”

Cas glared at Dean as he took his last shot. “Like I need you to keep reminding me.” Turning away from Dean, Cas plastered on his best smile, “Excuse me, barkeep.”

“Benji. No one says barkeep anymore.”

“My apologies Benji, Can I please have a Makers Mark on the rocks.”

Cas heard him grumble something about ‘his funeral’ and he turned to make his drink.

“Look, I don’t know what got your panties all in a twist, but drowning it ain’t gonna help.”

He didn’t respond, just picked up his glass and took a sip. He was mad at Dean and wasn’t in the mood to deal with his shit. Once again he was betting emotions versus logic. He had known Dean many years, and rationally knew it was common for Dean to protect his feelings by pulling away. It wasn’t new and wasn’t a signifier of how much he cared, but emotionally he felt hurt. The last time he was human Dean abandoned him, and it felt like he was doing it again. 

“You’re such a child, Cas,” Dean barked before picking up Cas’ drink and finishing it in one swallow. Cas heard his boots clunk against the hardwood floor, but refused to turn and watch Dean leave. He was content to sit at the bar and drink until nothing hurt.

“Trouble in paradise?” Benji asked.

Cas scoffed, “Not hardly.”

“So you are telling me that wasn’t a lovers spat?” Benji slid Cas another Maker’s on ice.

“No. I’m not sure there is love between Dean and I right now. Things are complicated.”

“They are always complicated, pal.”

“I’m sure my complications are a little more unique.”

“Why don’t you try me?” the bartender suggested.

Cas took a sip of his drink, letting the contents roll around on his tongue. It wasn't bad. He didn’t even know if he liked bourbon, he just ordered it because that’s what Dean usually got him when they were at a bar. He figured if he was getting drunk for the first time as a human, he was at least going top shelf.

“Well, my life ended yesterday. I lost billions of years of existence in one moment,” Cas snaps his fingers, “just like that. It’s all gone. I had a shot, you know?” His words had begun to slur slightly. He finished off the whiskey, and Benji slid him over an open bottle of Del Sol. “I was going to be the one to break the cycle. Be the dad none of us had. I didn’t even want the kid, but he chose me. And I got used to the idea. I got excited about it. I took this stupid doula class online. But just like that, he’s gone. Sam decided they have a more important mission and poof there they go, walking through a tear in reality.”

He dropped his head, resting his forehead on the bar. His hands settled on the back of his neck and a muffled, “And now I’m stuck with a man who doesn’t even want me.”

Benji didn’t say anything, and Cas noticed just how quiet the bar was. He raised his head to look around, hoping he wasn’t screaming about the tear in reality. Of course Benji would just assume it was a metaphor, but you never knew who might be lurking in a quiet dive bar in the middle of nowhere.

As he was scanning the almost empty room, his eyes landed on a jukebox in the corner. “Does that thing work?” he asked, pointing to the dusty machine in the corner. 

“Sure does, you got any cash for it?”

Cas didn't respond, just stumbled off his barstool and made his way across the floor. He didn’t know what he wanted to listen to, he just knew the silence had become oppressive. Unaware of how the contraption worked, he started pressing buttons until he found one that flipped the labels listing the songs. He felt warmth at his side, and looked up to see Benji standing next to him. “Let me help you”, he said as he slid a few singles into the machine. “What sounds good?”

“I don’t know much else besides classic rock.”

“That’s okay,” Benji said softly, “we got plenty classic rock. What are you feeling? The Eagles, Zep, Bad Company, the Stones maybe?”

Cas looked up into Benjis cool blue eyes. “Yeah, the Stones. The song about being a burden.”

“I don’t know what song-- oh, do you mean Beast of Burden?”

“Yeah, that one.” Cas was swaying on his feet. Benji leaned across him to press some numbers and magically the song started. He instantly started swaying his hips. He didn't remember where he heard this song, or why he knew it so well. It had to have been with Dean, but he couldn’t remember the time or place. He did, however, remember how nice it was when Dean was holding him up walking to the hotel room earlier. Physical comfort wasn’t something he needed as an angel, but now as a human it was nice to have.

He leaned into Benji and the larger man swung Cas around and walked him back to his bar stool. ‘Where are you staying tonight, James?”

“It’s Jimmy.”

“Okay, Jimmy, where are you staying?”

“I’m across the street in that death trap motel.”

The bartender gave him a glass of water. “Here, drink this, and I’ll walk you back.”

“Okay.”

\--------------------------------

 

Dean had never seen Cas so mad. He debated just letting Cas have his space, but in the end was too worried about him getting drunk and not being able to make his way back to the room.

He followed Cas into the bar and saw him down three shots back to back and quickly signal for two more, but Cas had done his best to ignore him when Dean had approached him, so he had retreated to a booth in the back to keep an eye on his friend.

He felt himself growl in frustration when the bartender lead Cas back to his seat, arm around his shoulders. He got Cas to sit down and was coaxing him to drink a glass of water. Dean was frustrated at Cas for drowning his problems, mad at the bartender for helping Cas when it should have been him, but mostly he was disappointed. Disappointed in himself. He was being selfish and Cas was suffering because of it. 

As Cas finished his water, Dean decided it was time to suck it up and apologize to Cas. He was too drunk to remember the conversation, but if he said sorry now, maybe Cas would let him guide him back to the hotel before the effects of the alcohol turned negative. 

He was climbing out of the booth when he saw the burly bartender come out from behind the bar with Cas’ credit card. He slipped it in his back pocket as he helped the drunk man stand up. He followed them both out the door, making sure Cas was going to be okay. He was stumbling and the bartender was struggling to keep him upright. They were halfway across the motel parking lot before Dean caught up with them, shouting after his friend. “Cas, hold on.”

Cas turned at the sound of his name and groaned as he saw Dean. “What do you want, Dean?” 

“Hey, come on, let’s get you inside.” He reached for Cas’ arm, but he jerked away. 

“Don’t fucking touch me.” 

The bartender gave Dean a glare and told him, “I think it’s best if you leave Jimmy here alone for a little while.” 

It took all of Dean’s restraint not to knock this asshole flat out. “Why don’t you mind your fucking business?”

Turning back to face his friend, Dean made his voice as soft as possible, “Come on buddy, let’s get you settled in. You need to sleep it off.”

“Stop telling me what to do, Dean. You always tell me what to do. Since the day I met you, you have always tried to control me.”

“You’re drunk, Cas. Now really isn’t the time to have this conversation.”

Dean, trying to keep his composure, turned to the bartender and told him, “Dude, we’ve got this. You can head back to the bar now.”

“I’m Benji, and I don’t think Jimmy or Cas or whatever the hell his name is wants to be left alone with you right now.” 

Cas tried to focus on his friend, “Yeah Dean, just leave. Leave like you always do. It’s not like I don’t know how to do this without you.”

Even though Dean knew Cas was right, he lost his temper. “Ha! Me? Leave? I think you’re confused - I’m not the one running away every time. All you do it leave. You left me after I thought Sam was gone forever. I spent a year looking for you in Purgatory - I could have left the second I met Benny but I didn’t. I risked my life every fucking day to find you, after you bailed on me the first five seconds we were there. You left when you broke Naomi’s spell and you fucking left when you walked into my room and stole the fucking Colt.” At this point Dean was in Cas’ face. “Don’t you dare fucking talk to me about leaving, Castiel.”

It seemed as though Cas sobered up as he stood straighter to stare Dean down. “Right, because you were the only one who thought you lost Sam that day. It’s a two-way street, Dean. You didn’t call out to me either. I came to you. I came for your help, but you were happy. I couldn’t tear you away from that. I couldn’t pull you back into the life.”

Cas shoved Dean, and lost his balance in the process. Benji wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist to keep him upright. Cas, in all his indignant fury, didn’t seem to notice. “You left me in a ring of fire to die. When I was out. When I was done with it all you refused to accept that. I left you to live your life, but you... All you could say was ‘no one cares about your crazy, Cas.’ I stayed away from you in Purgatory to keep you safe. If they were looking for me, that meant they weren’t looking for you. How many times do I have to tell you I ran to protect you? And you don’t know what I went though with Naomi, how many times she put me in that very same situation and brainwashed me to kill you on sight. I had to leave, Dean, because every time I saw your face I imagined a different way I had already killed you.” 

Cas was panting and he shoved at Dean again. “I needed you. I needed you more than I ever needed anything and you abandoned me.”  One last shove and Dean was on the ground staring up at Cas, who had tears streaming down his face. “You told me I was family. That I always had a place with you and Sam. And the second I needed you, you turned me away. Kicked me out of the place I considered my home.”

Dean felt his own tears hot behind his eyes as he stood up. “Cas, you know why I had to.”

“Yeah Dean, I do. But do you think that makes it hurt any less? Do you think that takes away the fear that any moment you will tell me to pack up, because I can’t stay. I saw you walking out the door and I thought that was it. This is where he leaves me. At least I had somewhere to stay for the night this time.” 

The tears were now streaming down Dean’s face as well. He reached for his friend. “Cas I--” 

“Don’t fucking touch me, Dean.”

“I’m not going to make you leave again Cas. I didn’t want to last time. It was the only way to save Sam.”

“And Sam always comes first. I know. But it doesn’t make it any better, Dean. It doesn’t take away the fact that I had to learn what a panic attack was from a homeless man. That I had to sleep with a stranger, who tried to kill me by the way, just so I could get out of the rain for the night. So yeah, I know why you did it, but that doesn’t diminish the horrid experience I had.”

Cas pushed away from Benji and walked towards the hotel room. Dean just stared at his back in shock for a few moments until the bartender calling his name pulled him back to reality. “What the fuck, man? Did you guys escape some kind of cult or something?”

Dean was shocked and hardly registered what he said. “Yeah, a cult. We called it Purgatory. Sorry you had to hear all that. He’ll be okay once he sobers up.”

“Whatever, man.” Benji said as he made his way back to the bar. 

Dean took a few calming breaths before walking up to the room. The night was cool and Dean could see Cas trembling. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was cold, in pain, or emotionally worn out. Maybe a combination of all three. He placed a hand on Cas’ shoulder as he opened the door and gently guided him inside. As soon as the door shut behind him, he pulled Cas into a tight embrace. As much as he hated chick flick moments he knew Cas needed this. Hell, he needed it too. They just laid their souls bare in the parking lot of a shitty hotel. He wasn’t even sure Cas would remember what was said in the morning, but right now, if Cas felt anything like the ache in Dean’s chest, he knew his friend needed reassurance. “I’m not going to ask you to leave Cas. Fuck, I’m doing the exact opposite. I want you to stay. Please stay. We just got you back. I can’t lose you again.” He felt Cas relax in his arms, and he squeezed just a little tighter. 

“I don’t want to go, Dean.”

“So don’t. Stay. Just stay.”

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there holding Cas. It was way past what would be considered socially acceptable for a bro hug, but this was more than that. This was making amends for more pain, felt and afflicted, than any one person should have to bear.  This was a fresh start for them. So if the hug wasn’t socially acceptable, neither of them gave a damn. 

“Come on, you need some rest.”

Cas just nodded against Dean’s shoulder, but failed to move. The moment wasn’t light, but Dean couldn’t help but smile. Cas, for all his wisdom and strength, could be so childlike at times. It was endearing. Dean stroked his hand through Cas’ hair for a few moments and then helped the ex-angel shuffle to the bed. In a replay of the hours before Dean helped Cas undress down to a t-shirt and boxers. 

He went to his duffle bag and got some peanut butter crackers, hoping Cas would eat a few. He was sure Cas was going to pay for his excessive drinking, but it would be better if he has something more solid to throw up than just cinnamon whiskey. 

He knew Cas was suffering, but Dean felt lighter. There was a very real possibility that Cas wouldn't remember their fight in the morning, but there was also a slim chance he might. Years of anger and betrayal was left in the parking lot. Dean felt like he was getting a second chance to do right by Cas. He made a promise to himself to keep the lies out of their friendship. So many things went wrong because they wouldn’t talk to each other. He was hoping as soon as Cas was sober and over his hangover, he would agree to the new honesty policy. It was going to suck, and get awkward at times, but if that was what it took to keep Cas around, Dean was willing to make the small sacrifice. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't as long as the others, but the guys are okay and no more angst. :) I'm writing this as fast as I can, I hope to update every 3 days or so. Soon if I get it written faster, but hopefully no longer. Thanks for reading. There is some amazing fluff on the way.

As Cas retched into the toilet, he swore he would never drink again. For the life of him, he couldn’t understand why Dean did this as frequently as he did. He had tears streaming down his face, every part of his body hurt, his chest ached, and he was sure he had pushed Dean too far. He didn’t mean to cause a fight and was humiliated by his actions. He was considering laying on the floor and just going back to sleep on the bathroom tile when he felt something blessedly cool on the back of his neck. 

“Come on buddy, let’s get you back into bed,” Dean said as he placed a cool washcloth on Cas’ neck. 

There were many times in the last decade he had been thankful for Dean Winchester but had never felt a gratitude so strong as when Dean’s hands wrapped around his body and pulled him from his kneeling position. Cas was sure he wouldn’t have had the strength to stand on his own. He clung to Dean as the stumbled to his bed. 

“‘M sorry,” Cas slurred. 

“Don’t be. Sam’s done this for me more times than I can count.”

“Not this, the fight.” Cas was too tired and in too much pain to try to form complete sentences. 

“Don’t be. We’re good.”

“But--”

Dean deposited Cas on the bed and sat down next to him. “Just get some sleep Cas. We can talk about this shit in the morning if you need to.” 

Cas wasn’t sure why he felt such relief. Dean said he didn’t want him to leave, that he wasn’t going to kick him out again, but he felt calm knowing that Dean was willing to talk about the fight once he felt better. He wasn’t going to run from the conversation. Sure, he was going to deflect and try to talk about his feelings as little as possible, but he was going to try. And that’s all Cas could ask for. 

Dean helped him get settled in under the covers. He was so tired he could hardly hold his eyes open but managed to mumble a small ‘thank you’ to Dean. He was asleep before he heard Dean respond. 

He woke once again with Dean hovering over him. He was shaking and sweating, and it took him a moment before he realized where he was. “Cas, hey man. You okay?”

“Dean?”

“There he is,” Dean smiled at him. “You okay? You were having a pretty rough nightmare.”

The dream slowly came back to Cas. Dean torturing Alistair in the devil's trap that wouldn’t hold. In his dream, he was in a ring of holy fire and watched as Alistair escaped the trap and beat the life out of Dean. There had been no one there to save him and Cas stood idly by as Dean’s worst nightmare became a reality. 

He couldn't help it - seeing Dean there in front of him with worry in his eyes, he reached up and pulled his friend into a suffocating hug. Dean stumbled and half landed on him, but quickly adjusted himself so he was sitting next to Cas, while still sharing a hug. 

“It's okay, Cas. You're okay.”

Cas couldn't stop the tremors the wracked his body. He buried his face in Dean’s shoulder and apologized over and over again.

“Stop, Cas. I told you, we’re fine.” 

Cas shook his head, knowing Dean would understand with one simple word. “Alistair.” 

He felt Dean go rigid up against him, but slowly relax only seconds later.  In a rare moment of intimacy, Dean pulled Cas close. He tried to scoot down and adjust them until Cas was laying down, and Dean was propped up against the headboard. Cas had his head on his pillow and his face buried in the outside of Dean’s thigh. Dean was gently carding his fingers through Cas’ hair. He felt such comfort in that moment, but a small part of him worried he was making Dean uncomfortable. They had shared hugs and some friendly contact, but this was bordering on cuddling. He was sure Dean was maxed out on chick flick moments, but he also knew Dean was a caregiver, and if this is what Cas needed, and it was, then Dean would sacrifice his comfort for Cas. He didn’t want to be so selfish, but the contact was so reassuring that he decided it was okay to take all he could get from Dean in that moment. It wasn’t likely to happen again. He fell asleep once again to the gentle touches he and Dean were sharing. 

When he woke several hours later his stomach churned and his head jackhammered. He groaned and turned into the warmth at his side. He was struggling, trying to remember where he was, who he was. It didn’t make sense for an angel to feel such pain. 

“You better not puke on me, Cas,” Dean barked. 

At the sound of Dean’s voice, the memories of the previous night came flooding back. The fight, the Fireball, the nightmare. He gave an involuntary shudder. He didn’t realize he was lying on Dean’s shoulder until his head flopped down on the pillow as Dean rose to his elbows. He lay there for a moment taking in the fact that his head was on Dean’s shoulder and his hand was resting on his abdomen. There were no two ways about it, they were cuddling. He waited for the moment Dean would jump back and make some snide remark about personal space, but when he turned his eyes up to Dean, all he saw was concern.  

“You need a trash can?” Dean asked. 

Cas shook his head and immediately regretted it. He closed his eyes to fend off the obtrusive sunlight and felt Dean getting out of bed. He gave a discontented sigh but didn’t have the energy to object. Dean had helped him get through one of the toughest nights of his life and he wanted to be grateful, not a petulant child missing the heat of the body next to him. 

He was just starting to doze off again when he felt the bed dip. He cracked open one eye to see Dean holding out a bottle of water and a few tablets in his hands. “Come on, drink up.” 

Cas moaned and pulled the blanket over his head. “Can’t.”

The blanket was pulled off him and Dean chuckled, “Yes, you can. Take the pills, drink the water, and get a shower. I’ll go get you a greasy breakfast and you’ll feel better in no time. I’ll even spare you the ‘I told you so’.”

Cas sat up and whined. He didn’t know what hurt the most, but he was pretty sure his body was in some sort of competition to see which ailment would kill him first. 

“This is your one free pass, man. Next time you get shitfaced, you’re on your own. Now, come on, arms up.” 

Cas was down to his boxers and had the shower running when Dean left to pick up their breakfast. He was too exhausted to actually clean his body so he turned the water as hot as it would go and sat on the shower floor. He lost track of time as he sat there with the hot water loosening his muscles. 

Dean poked his head through the bathroom door, “Cas, you almost done? The sooner you eat something the quicker you’ll feel better.” 

“Yes, I’m done. But Dean… ” he hesitated. 

“Yeah?”

“Do you have something clean I could borrow?”

“Yeah, of course,” was all he heard. Dean was still talking as he walked away from the door, but Cas couldn’t hear him over the water. 

Slowly Cas turned off the water and exited the shower. He dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist. He was walking out of the bathroom as Dean was opening the door and they nearly ran into each other. 

“Shit, sorry, dude. Uh, here. It’s all I had left that’s clean,” Dean said as he handed over a stack of clothes. 

Cas thanked him and turned back into the bathroom to get dressed. 

Twenty minutes later he was feeling marginally better. The pain relievers were working and Dean was right, eating did help settle his stomach. They didn't talk much during breakfast, and the silence made Cas feel like he was drowning. 

“I want to apologize for last night. And before you say I don’t have to, just let me. I admit I have been scared you were being standoffish because you were going to ask me to leave again. But I should have just asked you instead of getting mad.”

“Yeah well--”

“Please let me finish, Dean. Sam said you might have been worried that I was going to leave and needed some space. That made me angry because, according to Jack, your proximity is helping me heal. I was scared that once I was okay enough to be alone, you were going to make me leave. I know the circumstances were different last time, but I haven’t learned how to control my emotions yet. It’s a fear I couldn’t let go.” 

Dean took a moment to think before responding. “Nah, man, I get it. Fear isn’t rational, and mostly you can’t control it. But you have to know I wouldn’t make you leave again, Cas. I want you there. Fuck, I was feeling the same thing. Thinking that when you feel better you would go back looking for your grace or some shit. You always have some mission you’re on.” 

Dean’s face looked physically pained and Cas knew this was a struggle for him to admit. “Well, I don’t want to move out. I want to go home.”

The corners of Dean’s mouth lifted slightly and then he cleared his throat, something Cas was learning was a nervous habit for him. “So uh, maybe next time we just, uh, you know, talk about it. Try the whole ‘honesty’s the best policy’ thing.”

“I’d like that, Dean.”

“Good.” Dean stood and started clearing the breakfast trash. “Let’s go home.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have 2 speeds. NO chapters or ALL THE CHAPTERS. I am not a fast writer, so I hope the short chapters are okay for now. Thanks so much for reading.

They were packed and in the car by midmorning. The car would need gas within a hundred miles, but instead of filling up before they left town, Dean just hit the road. He suspected Cas was in more pain than he was letting on, and decided frequent stops would be in order. He didn’t want Cas to get a blood clot or something.

Dean went over the events of the previous night. His running away, then Cas running away. And the fight. He couldn’t remember a moment he and Cas had been so open with each other. It wasn’t a healthy outlet, but they got their feelings out. They both expressed their fears, and they reassured each other on said fear. They both wanted to stay together. Dean wanted Team Free Will 2.0 and it seemed Cas was on board. Sure, he had also seemed like he was on board last time, but he was working a plan. A means to an end. This time it was going to be different. They promised each other honesty, and he was going to do everything in his power to keep that promise, even if things got uncomfortable. They were going to remain uncomfortable for the time being anyway, so why not add fuel to the fire? As with so many things in his life right now, the closeness didn’t make sense to him.

“Cas”, Dean whispered, “you awake?”

Cas rolled his head to the side to look at Dean in the driver’s seat and hummed his confirmation.

“So uh, you said Jack told you that being close to me would help you heal?”

Cas rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat up. “Yes, he did.”

“But why?”

“My soul wasn’t anchored in my body. Your soul isn’t just a light that sits in your chest. It’s ingrained in your DNA, every molecule is tangled with your soul. I don’t have that yet. As you remember with Sam your soul is oftentimes tied to your emotions. Since I have feelings such as happiness and empathy, I am lead to believe that my soul has been formed well enough to not make me a sociopath, but it’s working it’s way into my system. I think the ache in my chest is more from the soul working out, than it is from the location of where the angel blade entered my body.”

“That’s great, Cas, but what’s that got to do with me?”

“Well Dean, my soul is an extension of my grace. It’s hard to explain in terms you would understand. Every human is born with a soul. It’s an extension of Heaven. It’s what gives you a conscience, compassion, and empathy. It’s the guiding force telling you what good decisions are. But unlike angels, humans can choose whether to follow its guidance or not. I think I developed a soul instead of grace when I first rebelled. I made a choice, but I was still an angel, so both existed inside me. The more human I became the more I relied on my soul than my grace. I would channel it to heal you, or fly when I needed to, but mostly I was living my life as a human. But when I rescued you, I was pure angel. Any time I had a spark of doubt I would repress it. Then I cradled your soul in my hand.”

Cas had a wistful look on his face as he continued, “It shined so bright, Dean. You remember hell in your human form, because your human brain can’t comprehend the actual images of what took place. Your body didn’t exist. It was just your soul. In a world so dark, so grey and bleak, you shone brighter than any star in the universe. I came right to you because even though your edges were covered in the darkness Hell put you through, you were still you. Just glowing. I couldn’t risk Hell tarnishing you anymore than it had, so I sheltered you with my grace. I think my grace touching your soul was the first spark I felt. The first bit of doubt. Why was it written that this magnificent being had to go to hell? Why was the righteous man doomed to that fate, just so the apocalypse could start?”

Dean was flabbergasted. He knew Cas had doubts, and knew ultimately he was the reason that Cas fell, more than once. But he never knew just how much he had influenced Cas’ decisions. It was overwhelming and more than a little scary. The profound bond was a joke Sam made against him for many years, but he never understood quite what it meant. He knew that he and Cas had a complicated friendship, but it’s not like you just made drinking buddies with an Angel of the Lord. Their time together was always in the worst of conditions. There had been a few moments of levity sprinkled in here and there - just enough to make them keep fighting to stay together. It wasn’t like he and Cas had some long magical conversation that led them to the love they shared. It was just something that happened. From the moment Cas first shared his doubts with Dean on that park bench, Dean knew Cas was so much more than just the guy that saved him. He was more than a brother-in-arms. He was more than a friend. He was family. So learning that he was the reason Cas gave into his doubt, and ultimately gave up Heaven, was daunting.

“Cas, I feel like you put your faith in the wrong guy,” Dean croaked around the lump in his throat.

“Dean, you think so little of yourself. It’s not --”

“Wait, you didn’t let me finish. I just mean I don’t think I’m as good, as righteous, as you think I am. But I, ah, I’m... I am glad you do think that. Not a lot of people have faith in me. Hell, you and Sam are just about all I got. So what I am trying to say is, thank you.” Dean could feel his cheeks flaming. “This honesty shit is embarrassing.”

Cas gave Dean a soft look with an entirely too sweet smile. “You never have to thank me for having faith in you. You are the best man I know. I only hope to be half the man you are.”

Dean swiped at the traitorous tear that escaped. He looked over at Cas, lifting one side of his mouth in an unbelieving smile.

“I personally like the honesty. Lying to you is exhausting and I don’t have the energy for that right now.”

Cas dramatically slumped back into the soft leather, causing Dean to chuckle softly.

“As long as I can still lie to Sam sometimes, we’re good. He would chew both our assess if he knew what we were about to eat.” Dean pointed at a large billboard advertising the best BBQ in seven counties. “We have a lot of time to make up for, and you gotta learn there’s so much more to life than PB&J.”

Scowling, Cas mumbles, “But I like PB&J.”

“I’m not saying no PBJ, I’m just saying less peanut butter, more Bar-B-Q.”

Dean slaps the back of his hand against Cas’ chest, giving him a cocky grin until he notices his friend wince. Eyes wide, Dean turned his hand over and started to gently rub at Cas’ chest. “Shit man, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

Cas stared at Dean’s hand on his chest with a strange expression. Realizing he was caressing the guy's chest, Dean pulled his hand back, abashed. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Dean, please do that again.”

“What, hit you? No way, man.”

“No, put your hand on my chest.” Cas reached out and pulled Dean’s hand towards him, placing his palm over Cas’ rapidly beating heart.

Dean, with what little tact he had, went back and forth from watching the road to gaping at Cas.

“I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, Dean, but that’s rather soothing for me.”

Dean swallowed audibly, “No, it’s okay. I mean it makes sense right? According to Jack.”

They drove that way, Dean, with his hand on Cas’ chest, for another two exits. He apologized to Cas when he had to put both hands on the wheel to make a sharp turn off the interstate into the parking lot of the BBQ joint.

“So uh, does it hurt now? Like if I don’t have my hands on you. I mean, if I’m not touching you. Not like touching you touching you, but you know, like resting my palm on your chest.” Dean was blushing at how awkward he had suddenly become. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, just helping out a friend.

“It seems to have a bit of a lingering effect. It feels better when I can feel you, but it’s manageable without. I know you’re not used to intimacy unless it’s of the sexual nature - please don’t feel obligated have physical contact with me. It’s not required for my healing. Just being close to you is helpful.”

Dean was struggling internally. He wanted to help Cas. He needed to help Cas. But every time he touched him, he got all sweaty and his stomach felt weird. But he chalked that up to being hungry. Or maybe it was just a lingering effect being transferred to himself as he helped heal Cas. That was as good of an excuse as any, which gave him the courage to say, “It’s okay, buddy. You’re right, I’m not used to it, but I’ll get there. It makes you feel better so I’m doing it. End of story, you got me?”

Cas ducked his head. “Yes, Dean. Thank you.”

They made their way into the restaurant and were seated in a booth near the back. Dean picked up the menu enthusiastically and started to list all the things he wanted to order. He told Cas he wanted to get the family platter. Cas needed to try everything, ribs, brisket, and pork. He ordered just about every side they had, even the green beans. Those were mostly for Cas, but they did have bacon in them, so he would give them a taste. He ordered them both a beer and an order of BBQ nachos to start. 

“You weren’t lying Dean, Sam would never let us live this down,” Cas said as he shoved a loaded chip in his mouth.  

“Some things just have to stay between us, Cas.”

A mischievous look briefly crossed Cas’ face before it returned to a neutral expression. “Good thing I can keep a secret.”

They ordered a few more beers and spent longer sitting in the restaurant than necessary, sharing the huge platter of food. The platter was supposed to feed a family of six, but Dean and Cas finished just about all of it, although the green beans sat untouched off to the side. “Come on Cas, one of us has to eat veggies. We both know that’s not going to be me.” 

Cas scowled at the offending dish, “I don’t want them. You’re the one that ordered them.”

“Okay. Fine. I’ll take a bite if you take a bite.”

“Sam would be so proud.”

Dean laughed as he pulled the green beans across the table. He begrudgingly stabbed the vegetable, bringing a fork full to his mouth. He hummed his approval. Apparently, bacon did make everything taste better.  He pushed the bowl across the table towards Cas, but he didn’t reach for his fork. “Come on Cas, you’re up.” 

Cas looked like a little kid with wide blue eyes when he shook his head and lips pressed tight. Dean couldn’t help but think he was kind of cute. There were a lot of things Cas was. He was tough, strong, sometimes funny, and yeah, Dean was man enough to admit it, hot. But never had he thought of Castiel as cute, until now. 

Dean poked a few beans, making sure to get a piece of bacon, and slightly leaned over the table, placing the fork in front of Cas’ mouth. “Do you want me to do the airplane?”

Cas smiled and leaned in to take the bite from Dean’s fork. “See, not so bad right?”

“No, these are not bad. They tasted much better than green beans from a dented can.” 

Dean’s face dropped. “What do you mean?” 

“Green beans are very cheap. Sometimes they would be the only thing I ate for days last time I was human. But these were good. They taste much better.”

“Cas...”

“It’s fine, Dean.”

“No, man, you should have said something. I shouldn’t have forced you to eat them. Fuck, I’m sorry.”

Cas reached his hand across the table, covering Dean’s. “It’s fine. I would just like to put that time behind us, okay? But sometimes it’s going to come up. It’s hard not to compare my time then to my time now. But know I’m not doing it to make you feel guilty.”

Dean couldn’t look Cas in the eye, but he shook his head. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Good. Now let’s get some pie.”

Dean’s eyes shot to Cas. “You get me.”


	7. Chapter 7

After a few idle hours of chit chat at the restaurant, they were finally on their way. Cas had questioned Dean’s ability to drive after three beers and the hunter took offense. Cas gently pointed out Dean shouldn’t be so proud of his ability to drive so well while intoxicated. Dean assured Cas he only drove drunk when he had to. The bickering and ribbing made Cas feel right at home. Neither he nor Dean were mad at each other - they were mostly joking around. It was a happy place for them. 

They drove most of the day, switching between easy conversation and companionable silence. They often discussed the merits of classic rock, and Cas laughed so hard he cried when Dean said he felt Robert Plant was trying to seduce him every time he heard The Lemon Song. The statement itself wasn’t funny, but Dean’s reaction was what had Cas howling. His eyebrows shot up to his hairline, eyes bulging out of their sockets, but the kicker was Dean actually slapping his hand over his mouth. Cas had insisted Dean play the song that instant. It wasn’t on his mixtape, and he was sure he hadn’t heard it. Dean refused of course, but Cas was persistent. They stopped for gas an hour later and Cas offered to pump while Dean ran in and got snacks. He made quick work of looking up what album the song was on and in a stroke of luck, found the song before Dean returned to the car. As soon as Dean started the car, the open chords blared from the speakers. Dean turned bright red and threw a bag of Cheetos at Cas’ head. By the third time Cas replayed the song, Dean ejected the tape and also threw that at his passenger's head. It had been the most fun Cas had ever had. 

By the time the sun was setting, Cas couldn’t stop yawning. His chest was aching and he was about to ask Dean if they could stop for the night when he noticed Dean checking his phone. “You’re going to kill us if you don’t watch the road,” he commented. 

“Shuddup, I’m looking for a hotel.”

“Since when do you look for a hotel? Isn’t it customary to find the closest vacancy off the first exit you choose?” Cas cocked an eyebrow. 

“Well yeah, normally. But you’re hurt, I don’t want you getting scabies or something. Look, there is a Super 8 five miles up the road.” Dean handed Cas his phone. 

“It looks like it’s the only place until we get to Plankerton. So it has my vote.”

“I saw you yawning. I figured you could use a break. How are you feeling?” Dean asked. 

Cas paused before heaving a sigh. “My instinct was to lie to you and tell you I was fine, but truthfully I’m experiencing a lot of pain.”

“Dammit, Cas, you gotta tell me these things. Your pain pills are in my bag in the back. Do those help or is that not the kind of, um, pain relief you need?” 

Cas could sense Dean’s discomfort, but told him the truth anyway. “I’m afraid a pain pill will not help the ache I feel.”

Without hesitation, Dean replied, “Alright, well let’s get settled in somewhere and we’ll, um, remedy that. Do you think you’ll be okay if I leave? You can shower and I’ll pick up some beers and food. Maybe stop by a Walmart and get you some sweat pants or something? I’m sure you need some clean boxers. I don’t have a lot of lounge clothes, but we need to take it easy for a while and that requires comfy clothes.” 

Cas was touched at how easy Dean included himself in the role of ‘taking it easy’. He thought Dean might even be looking forward to it. He hadn’t had a lot of time to relax in his lifetime, and maybe he was embracing this break. 

It didn't take long to get to the hotel and get checked in. Dean once again insisted on a first-floor room. Cas didn’t have it in him to argue that steps were not going to hurt him. Dean was protecting him, and he wasn’t going to take that away from his friend. 

He hadn’t suspected the distance from Dean to be so uncomfortable. The ache was the same, yet he felt empty. It was a feeling in his chest he couldn’t describe. As if when Dean left, he took a piece of Cas with him. The hot water felt good against his stiff muscles, so he stayed in the shower far longer than necessary.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed with a towel wrapped around his waist when Dean returned with his arms full of shopping bags. He piled everything on the small table and began rummaging through the gray bags. He pulled out a few articles of clothing and thrust them at Cas. “Here, man. Go get dressed.”

“Thank you,” was all Cas said as he retreated to the bathroom. Dean had gotten him a package of boxers, some black t-shirts and a grey pair of lounge pants. Everything was soft and Cas was grateful for the comfy clothes.

“You’re right, Dean, comfortable clothing does seem to make a --” Cas paused when he heard Dean shriek. He had been looking down at his phone and hadn’t noticed that Dean was in the middle of changing. Apparently, Dean was in need of a clean pair of boxers as well. Cas, who  never learned about human modesty, walked right past a naked Dean to reach for the bag of fast food.

Dean stood there with his new sweat pants cupped over his genitals, gaping at Cas. 

Cas took out a few of the items in the bag. “Are you going to just stare at me, or are we going to have dinner? I haven’t had anything to eat since those Cheetos you tried to decapitate me with.”

Dean barked a laugh and pointed at Cas with his free hand. “Do not touch the food until I get back. You need Beano.” He walked backward to the bathroom to finish getting dressed with what little dignity he had left.

Cas shouted at the closed door, “I don’t understand --”

“Don’t you dare say it, Cas. Don’t. You. Dare.”

Cas just chuckled and began to put the rest of the items away, the beer in the mini fridge, the chips, and beef jerky on the night stand. Cas may not have been human long, but he knew movie snacks when he saw them.

Dean returned to Cas’ side with obviously false bravado. He reached around Cas into one of the shopping bags and pulled out a green and white bottle. “It’s a Winchester rule - you eat tex-mex, you take Beano.” He tossed the bottle at Cas.

“I still don’t understand what you mean.”

“Look, man, Sam eats half a burrito and he’s toxic. I won’t lie and say I’m much better. So I suspect you will be just as bad. You take these magic little pills and I’ll be able to stay here. You don’t take the pills and you’re getting your own room, got it?”

Cas just nodded and popped two pills. “Happy now?” he asked, tossing the bottle back to Dean.

“Very happy. Now let’s dig in. I remembered you liked burritos so I got you a couple different kinds to try. These are important things you need to know. If you’re in the drive-thru and you don’t know what you want, people are gonna get pissed. It’s just a fact of being human, I don’t make the rules. Know what you want in the drive-thru, don’t take a joint from a guy named Don, and never, under any circumstances, let a dog in the car. Sam’s broken half these rules already. Don’t be like Sam, Cas. He’s a bad influence.”

Cas spoke around a mouth full of food, “I’m sure Sam would argue the same about you.”

Dean shrugged, “Yeah, but the difference is, I’m right and he’s wrong.”

They ate the rest of their dinner, making small talk about the rest of the trip home, and sharing a few beers. It was taking them longer than anticipated, and Cas was worried Dean would start to get frustrated. To the contrary, Dean assured Cas they could stop any time he wanted to. “I’ve crossed the country more times than I can count and I’ve never seen any roadside attractions. We went to the Grand Canyon once when we were kids. I don’t remember much about it, but Sam insists I rode a farty donkey. I think he was just blaming his farts on my mule.”

Cas laughed, spitting his beer all over the table. “You rode a farty donkey?”

“Sure did.” Dean smiled and tipped his beer back. He placed the empty bottle down next to the rest of the trash. “Alright, come on. Time to get you feeling better. What do you want - John McClane or Indiana Jones?”

Cas smiled at Dean’s predictability. “Indy,” he said, standing to clear the trash off the table.

“Alright. Grab us another beer and I’ll get it set up. Raiders okay with you?”

“Of course, Dean.”   

Cas was back at the bed and ready to watch the movie in no time. Dean had the laptop sitting in the middle of the bed. He motioned for Cas to join him on the bed. “Come on, Cas. Two hundred milligrams of fast-acting vicoDEAN at your service.”

Cas rolled his eyes, “That was bad, even for you.”

He was fighting a grin as he crawled into bed, next to Dean. It was a bad pun, but still pretty funny. 

They lounged on the bed and had a few more beers, Cas pressed tight against Dean’s side. He was starting to feel less awkward, and he assumed Dean was too. He wasn’t as rigid as he had been, and he was leaning into Cas a little more. He hoped it was Dean getting more comfortable, and not the beer making him sleepy. It was comforting and he was feeling better and better. 

He was wondering how long he was going to have to depend on Dean when he felt a warm palm press against his chest. “This helps, doesn’t it?” Dean asked.

Cas closed his eyes and leaned back against the headboard. The relief was so sudden he almost felt dizzy. Cas was worried if he opened his mouth the only sound escaping would be a moan, so instead, he nodded in confirmation. He hadn't realized how much pain he was in until he didn’t feel it anymore. 

Dean shifted them around until he was propped up on an elbow. He was turned toward Castiel, with his arm draped over his chest. 

They stayed in that position until the end of the movie. Dean had dozed off and his arm slipped from Castiel’s chest. Cas slid out of bed quietly and pulled the covers around Dean. He didn’t wake up, but reached out to where Cas had just vacated. He felt around until his hand landed on a pillow. He clutched the pillow and pulled it to his chest, mumbling something unintelligible.

Cas smiled as he slipped under his own blanket. After having Dean pressed up against him for so long, he felt cold, and he burrowed down under the covers.  He didn’t know how long it would be until the pain returned, so he did his best to clear his mind and rest. Even when he was a human several years ago, Cas hated sleep. He rarely slept without being plagued by nightmares. The only time he was nightmare-free was when he was sleeping close to Dean. He hoped being in the bed next to him would be close enough to keep all dreams at bay.

_ Everything was bleak and gray - nothing but desert surrounded him. He turned and saw a shining light. A light more beautiful than he could ever imagine. He turned his back to Lucifer, making his way to the enchanting glow. The light was shining through some kind of crack. He didn’t know how, but he pulled the crack apart and was blinded by a rainbow of color. Rich reds, yellows, oranges, and browns, like a fall sunset in the mountains. He stepped through the crack and suddenly the world wasn’t so dark. There was color and landscape - a lake directly in front of him, and mountains off in the distance. Out of his periphery, he saw the glimmering light coming towards him. The closer it got the more it took shape. “Cas,” the light called. “Cas, watch out. Behind you.” Castiel heard the warning, but couldn’t tear his eyes away. The light was Dean. He could seem him now. “Dean,” be breathed out. “CAAAAAS, NOOOOO.” Dean was screaming. He didn’t know why. His heart broke for his friend. What was wrong with Dean? “No, no, no, no, you stupid son of a bitch. I told you to stay.” Cas was confused, he was standing right there. Dean walked past him and dropped to his knees. Dean was leaning over, cursing at the ground but there was nothing there. “Dean, what’s the matter? What’s going on?” He was so confused. Where had he been? Why was Dean ignoring him? “You can’t leave me, Cas. I need you. How the hell am I supposed to do this without you?” Cas was starting to panic, why couldn’t Dean see him? He started shouting, “Look at me, Dean. I’m right here. I won’t leave you again. I’m right here.” He walked in front of Dean, kneeling in front of him. “Dean,” he whispered. The color was draining out of the landscape. Everything was turning back into that flat gray. The light was fading out of Dean. He was no brighter than a night light. Cas panicked, “Dean? What’s going on? Where is your light? Turn your lights back on. Dean? Turn on the lights.” _

Cas woke with a start to see Dean, once again, hovering over him. He was sweating and shaking. It took him a moment to realize he wasn’t at the house by the lake, slowly watching the life leave Dean’s eyes. He was in their hotel room in Wyoming. He wasn’t alone and the room wasn’t a horrifying shade of gray. He was panting when he made eye contact with Dean. 

“It’s okay, buddy. The lights are on. I got you,” Dean said as he sat on the edge of the bed next to Cas. With his heart still racing, Cas flopped back on the bed, clutching at his chest.

Dean climbed over his body and rested next to the other man. He gently removed Cas’ hand, replacing it with his own. “It’s okay, Cas, it was just a dream.”

He didn’t have the heart to tell Dean that it wasn’t a dream. That Dean did, in fact, watch him die. That he dropped down in the dirt and called him a stupid son of a bitch.

It took a few moments for Cas to catch his breath and calm his racing heart. Dean was still next to him, offering support, but not pushing him to talk about it.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you stay with me again? I mean, in the bed?”

“Of course, Cas.”

Cas smiled at Dean using his phrase. It was something so simple, but it helped sooth him. Dean was here, neither of them were dead, and they were getting along better than they ever had. They were even getting more comfortable with the physical aspect. Cas knew the reason he was so uncomfortable with the contact was because he was worried he would enjoy it too much. He was sure Dean had never been so intimate with a man and didn’t want to push his friend past his comfort level, but after all the years of fighting, bruises and broken bones, it was nice to share touch with Dean that was soft and gentle, charged by love and caring, instead of anger or revenge.

He rolled to his side to get more comfortable. Shifting and wiggling until he found the perfect spot. Once he was settled he felt Dean’s arm wrap around him and rest over his heart. “‘S not cuddling. ‘S healing,” Dean slurred. 

Cas let out a low chuckle. Maybe Dean was more comfortable than he suspected.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a slow burn but they are working up to it. :)

Waking up wasn’t as awkward as Dean feared it would be. He was confused when he woke up with his arms wrapped around Cas but didn’t panic. It took him a moment to remember everything that transpired the night before. He even remembered insisting they weren’t cuddling. As Dean lay there warm and comfortable, he had to repress a chuckle. This was definitely cuddling. Somehow, Cas needing him made it easier. It had been uncomfortable at first, but now it didn’t bother him. He even enjoyed the comfort of relaxing and watching a movie curled up with his best friend. He kept telling himself that women cuddled their best friends all the time and liked it. So, as the feminist he thought himself to be, it only made sense that he believed in snuggling equality. 

Dean got up and took a quick shower, hoping if they left soon they could be home by late afternoon. He walked across the street to pick up some donuts and strong coffee before waking Cas. 

He returned with a bag full of pastries and every flavor of creamer the shop offered. Setting his bounty on the table, he heard the bathroom sink turn on. He hadn’t even noticed Cas was out of bed, but now that he looked around he noticed Cas had the leftover snacks and his new clothes packed and ready to go. He assumed Cas was as anxious to get home as he was. 

“I got breakfast. You about ready to roll out?” Dean asked. 

“Ungh,” Cas replied, exiting the bathroom. 

Dean was also starting to get comfortable with finding Cas cute. He was like a giant man kitten. His hair was unruly and his eyes wide and bright. Dean learned quickly that Cas was not functional within the first hour of being awake. 

“Come on sleeping beauty, drink up,” Dean said, handing over the coffee cup. Cas had often drunk coffee with him when he was an angel. He always put a disgusting amount of cream and sugar in, so Dean had made sure to leave plenty of room in his to-go cup. Cas proceeded to pour six hazelnut creamers and eight sugars in his coffee. Dean wanted to gag. “That’s disgusting, Cas.” 

Castiel was not impressed with Dean’s judgment and gave him a look that would have smote him, were Cas still an angel. 

Within fifteen minutes Cas was capable of speech and asked Dean if he needed anything else packed. Dean double checked the room and cleared them to leave. 

The seven hours in the car felt like the quickest trip Dean ever had. As a human, Cas was much more chatty. He would explain everything to Dean in detail: What crops flourished in this region, how Yellowstone formed, how shocked he was that grass looked green as a human. That one had Dean weak from laughing. Cas went on for a good half hour about humans’ limited capability of sight, increasingly getting more frustrated. It sounded almost like a Lewis Black bit until he added that other than the ability to heal others, he would miss the colors the most. 

He tried to explain to Dean what his soul looked like. It wasn’t a silver or gold light, it was a medley of color. “Dean, it’s beautiful, I wish you could see it. It’s like a shot of good whiskey at sundown on a crisp fall day, the whiskey warming your insides even though your skin is prickled with gooseflesh as the sun sinks behind the mountains. It’s the vibrant colors of the changing leaves and a bonfire with friends. The orange and red of the flames, seeming so dangerous but surrounded by love and laughter. You love so deeply and that shows in your soul. No matter how much darkness is in your life, Dean, you’ll always be a flame. A guiding light.”

Dean’s cheeks were blotchy red and he was fighting the sting of tears. Cas always made him sound so good, so important. Like he was more than just a grunt. When Cas said it, it made him want to be that man. Sometimes, he almost believed he was. But who was Dean Winchester without self-doubt? 

“You better quit saying shit like that Cas. I might start to believe you. Guilt is my life force - without it, I can’t hunt.” 

“My hope is one day you will believe me. You are so much more than a hunter, Dean. I hope you see that someday.”

Dean looked over at Cas and gave him a half-hearted smile. There had been a lot of chick flick moments in the last few days, complete with best-friend cuddling, but he wasn’t ready to go there. Being honest, sharing feelings, and the touching, all of that was for Cas. For Cas to get well and feel the love he deserved to experience the first time he was human. None of this was supposed to be for Dean. He spent his whole life thinking he wasn’t worth a damn thing. If he started giving himself credit and praise for the things he’d done, suddenly he would matter. And if he mattered it wouldn’t be so easy to sacrifice himself when the world needed it. Or, hell, even when the girl of the week needed it.  No, it was best if Dean Winchester stayed the worthless piece of shit he’d always been. It’s what was best for everyone. But with Cas sitting next to him all adorable and sweet, it made it just a little bit harder to hate himself. 

Dean was feeling somber as he pushed the cassette tape into the deck. He hoped to fill the silence leaving him time to sulk privately.

 

_ Squeeze me baby, 'till the juice runs down my leg _

_ Squeeze me baby, 'till the juice runs down my leg _

_ The way you squeeze my lemon, I _

_ I'm gonna fall right out of bed, bed, bed, bed, yeah _

 

“Goddammit, Cas.” He was fighting a smile. He tried to give Cas his own version of a smiteful look, but when he caught his friend's eye they both burst out laughing. 

Cas was wheezing when he said, “I didn’t even plan that. That’s just where the song left off.” He just managed to finish his sentence before bursting out in another fit of laughter. 

And just like that, Dean felt better. He didn’t need to sulk. Everything was just easier with Cas. Now that they weren’t lying and betraying each other, he could see Cas becoming his rock, in a way Sam never could. Sam never had a choice, but Cas did, and for some fucked up reason he always seemed to choose him. That revelation took a weight off his chest. The past few days with Cas had freed him of so much baggage, so much guilt and burden, that he would have been scared if he weren’t so happy. It was almost like he was high on the Turducken sandwich again - not caring as much, and not caring that he didn’t care. He knew it wasn’t possible, but maybe he would check his food for a few days, just in case.

The music played on. Cas rolled down his window and stuck his arm out, feeling the resistance of the wind. He looked happy, Dean thought. Every time he looked over Cas was smiling or singing along with the radio. He looked right at home in the passenger seat, Dean’s co-captain. He smiled to himself. Sam would probably appreciate the break. 

The rest of the trip back to the bunker was all easy laughter and light conversation. Cas continued his detailed explanations and Dean furthered Cas’ education on classic rock and greasy diner food. 

The last leg of the trip, Cas sat with his eyes closed getting caught up with Sam and Jack. Both were doing well, and they felt like they were getting closer to finding Mary.

The sun was just setting when Dean pulled into the garage. “Home, sweet home,” he said, climbing out of the Impala.

They unloaded the car and made for their separate rooms, Cas’ being right across from Dean. As he unpacked, Dean wondered how Cas was feeling. It had been hours since they made contact, and he was worried Cas might be hurting but didn’t want to complain.

He poked his head in Castiel’s room to see his friend putting away his new boxers and t-shirts. “Hey, buddy. How you feeling?”

“Exhausted. And a little wired,” replied Cas.

“Sounds about right. I have just the thing. I’m going to grab a quick shower and get into some fresh clothes, then whip up some spaghetti. You can shower while I’m cooking. Sound good?”

“Yes, Dean. Thank you.”

Dean was back in the kitchen in no time. He was just pulling the garlic bread out of the oven when Cas came strolling in without a shirt. “Dean, all my shirts are scratchy. Do you have something softer I can wear?” Cas asked.

“Sure, second drawer on the right. Pick whichever one you want. I have a pile of dirty laundry on my floor. Just drop your shirts next to mine. Once we wash them they won’t be scratchy.”

“Thank you,” Cas said, retreating from the kitchen.

Dean was lost in thought, wondering how to teach a former angel the rules of nudity in the kitchen. The guy didn’t seem to have any qualms about walking around half-naked. Of course, Dean thought, if he had a body like that, he wouldn’t mind showing it off either. Frowning, he looked down at his own stomach. He was still in decent shape, but all those cheeseburgers made him a little  _ softer _ in the middle than he’d like. The older he got, the more muscle he seemed to lose. It wasn’t replaced with fat by any means - he still had to run for his life on a weekly basis. He just wasn’t the hard body he was at 26. It wasn’t something he even thought about until Cas started walking around looking like he was a model for Wal-Mart sweatpants.

“Dean?”

Startled, Dean whipped around to Cas, plastering on his best fake FBI agent smile.  “Heya, Cas.” He said and he leaned against the stove, trying to keep his composure. Pretending like he wasn’t just imagining Cas walking down a catwalk in cut-off sweatpants that were cut shorter than he would ever admit to imagining. Only, in his haste to remain cool, he didn’t notice that he placed his hand on the bread pan he just pulled out of the oven. “Owww, shit,” he cried, jerking back and shaking his hand.

Cas stepped closer. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just a burn. I’m good.” Dean ran cold water over his hand.

“Do you need some ice?”

“Nope, I’m fine. Just, ah, make our plates, will ya?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Dean turned his back on Cas as be began to assemble their dinner. He mentally chastised himself for being such a dork. He was usually way cooler than that. 

Once he was sure his burn was nothing more than an annoyance, he suggested they go to Sam’s room to watch some boring TV to help them unwind.

“Won’t we get crumbs in his bed?”

“That’s half the fun, Cas. We get to eat in bed and don’t have to clean up the mess. You’re older than Sam - that makes him your little brother too, so now you get to pick on him. It's just another human rule.”

Cas hummed, setting his food on Sam’s nightstand. “Based on your logic, that also makes you my little brother. Does that mean I should pick on you as well?”

Dean was already seated on the bed taking a bite of his food. “No way, man. You like me more, so I’m exempt.”

“What makes you so sure I like you more?”

“Our profound bond?” Dean asked timidly.

“I think you're trying to make up loopholes. If your rules are to be believed, I feel it’s my right to pick on you.”

“I’m warning you, Cas. You don’t want to start a prank war with me. I’m the king.”

Cas sat on the bed, settling his food in his lap. “Well, there’s a new sheriff in town.”

Dean scrunched up his nose, “That was bad, Cas.”

“I heard it as soon as I said it. It sounded cooler coming from the guy on the commercial.”

“We’re quoting commercials now?”

Cas sighed dejectedly. “Apparently not.” 

“Come on,” Dean patted the spot next to him at the head of the bed. “Pasta and House Hunters. Guaranteed to put you to sleep.”

Dean was expecting Cas to make fun of his TV choice, but he just sat there and asked Dean questions about the show. “Do most humans entertain guests a lot? They all seem to care a great deal about entertaining guests.” “How can an exotic pet shop owner and an eBay reseller have a budget of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars?” “Why won’t he compromise on the size of the bathtub? Can’t they purchase a new bathtub?” 

Dean had never shared his love of HGTV with Sam. He knew Sam would enjoy half the shows he watched, especially that show where the brothers flip houses. But he also knew Sam would make fun of him for it every chance he got. Cas just sat there, pressed against Dean from shoulder to toe, enjoying their time together. Dean sat their dishes on the bedside table and adjusted the pillows. He tried to get himself comfortable so he could not-cuddle with Cas. He was having a difficult time getting comfortable when Cas sat up. “Dean, you don’t have to do this.”

“No, it’s okay, I just can’t find a comfy spot.”

“Really, it’s okay. I feel fine, sleepy even. I think I’ll just head to bed.”

“Are you sure, Cas? It’s really no trouble. I swear I’m not uncomfortable. I’m just sore from being in the car.” Dean hated how much it sounded like he was pleading Cas not to go. Cas placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sure, Dean.” 

“Okay. Just let me know if you need me.” 

Cas gave him a smile as he walked out of the room. Dean jumped out of bed to catch Cas in the hall. 

“Hey, uh, Cas?”

“Yes?”

“I mean it, if you need anything. Like um, if you uh, have a nightmare or whatever. That’s okay, too.”

“Right. Really Dean, thank you.”

Dean just nodded and returned to Sam’s room to collect the dishes and brush the crumbs off the bed. He may be willing to rub Sam’s toothbrush in his armpit, but leaving crumbs in an unmade bed was too far, even for him. He quickly cleaned the kitchen and went through his usual night time routine. It still sometimes blew his mind that he had a nighttime routine. In his twenties and early thirties, he had to carve out time just to shower and brush his teeth. Now, even on a hunt, he took a few moments to himself to get ready for bed. It was nice and helped him feel normal, even if it was just for a few minutes. 

As Dean walked back towards his room, he pushed Cas' door fully open, looking fondly over his sleeping form. He left his own door open as well - he wanted to be able to hear if Cas started having a nightmare. He knew how bad nightmares were, and knew how much having someone next to you helped. There were a few times after he got back from hell that he would wake up to Sam sitting next to him. He never said a word, just sat there continuing his research. Of course, he and Sam had been comforting each other through nightmares for 33 years. Cas was new to the game and had a hard time coming down from the adrenalin rush. 

_ “We’re here with the owner of the home, Castiel Winchester. Great last name, huh, Dean? Are we sure this guy isn’t your husband?” There is a man standing in front of Dean. No not a man, it’s Cas. Wait, did Sam say his name was Castiel Winchester? He’s confused and turns to ask Sam what’s going on. Before he can say anything Sam is talking again. “Well, with the way these two stare at each other you would think they were a couple, but I assure you, folks, Castiel is single. Although, if it were up to me, I’d have my brother snatch him up before anyone else could.” Dean grabs Sam by the arm and pulls him away from Cas. “What the hell are you doing? And why are you talking like a game show host?” Sam replies, “Because you can’t stop staring at the new client and someone had to step up. We only have a few hours of daylight and the crew wants to get out of here. We are a day behind on filming and Castiel is missing work for this. So you want to get your head out of your ass and START talking like the damn show host you’re supposed to be? You can take the guy home after we finish his kitchen, and not a second before, got it?” Suddenly, they’re in the guy’s kitchen, only it’s not his kitchen, it’s the kitchen at the bunker. He’s not confused anymore. He and Sam are brothers that do renovations for a show on HGTV. Sam is at the kitchen table, while he and Cas are at the stove cooking. They are joking and having a good time. “You have a little sauce on your cheek,” Cas says. Dean swipes at his left cheek. “No, other side.” Dean wipes his face again. Cas chuckles, “Here, let me get it.” He leans in and oh god Cas is going to lick the sauce off his face.  _

“Dean?” 

“Cas,” he whimpered. 

“I’m sorry to wake you, Dean.”

Dean was perplexed. They were just in the kitchen, how were they now in his room? 

“The nightmare I had. It -- my chest hurts. Can I stay in here?”

Dean’s sleep-addled brain struggled to keep up. “Of course,” he said. Then, Cas disappeared. “Weirdest dream ever,” he mumbled. As he was drifting back to sleep, he felt something solid and warm press into his back. He was comfortable in a way he hadn’t been in years. 

“Is this okay?” Cas asked. 

“Mmhmm. ‘S good,” Dean said as sleep pulled him under.   


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might have like a tiny, little, slight hint of angst for like two seconds. The next chapter is going to be long for my standards and so fluffy.

Over the next few days they fell into an easy pattern, Dean cooking while showing Cas how to make basic food. They talked to Sam and learned he and Jack found the correct universe Mary was in, they just needed to locate her. Sam seemed to think that he and Jack would take on Lucifer with no problems. That confidence scared Cas and Dean, but they were doing their best to hide it when talking to Jack or Sam. 

Dean took Cas clothes shopping. He had no preference on his style, so Dean picked him out the usual hunters wardrobe - several plaid and flannel shirts, comfortable jeans, a pair of sturdy boots, and another pack of t-shirts. While Dean was debating if Cas would like the purple and grey flannel, his friend walked up to him with shy expression. “What’s up, Cas?”

Cas showed Dean the shirt he had been holding. “Can I get this? I know it’s not like the clothes hunters normally wear, but it’s so soft, and it’s our favorite band. It could just be a sleep shirt, but I really like it and --” 

Dean gave Cas a soft look. He wasn’t sure why his friend was so scared to ask for a shirt. Cutting Cas off he said, “Dude, I don’t care what you get. If you want a few band shirts, get ‘em. Not like I’m going to give you shit for wearing a Zepp t-shirt. Clearly, the softness of a shirt is something that’s important to you. Let’s get you a few more vintage tees.”

Cas’ face lit up. “Really? Because I couldn’t decide between this one or AC/DC. I like Led Zepplin more, but the AC/DC shirt was more plain, and wouldn’t draw as much attention to  myself.” 

Dean watched as Cas scampered off to collect his t-shirts. He dropped the purple plaid in the basket and joined Cas at the graphic tees. They were soft and he wouldn’t mind a few for himself. 

They returned home with trunk full of shopping bags. After getting Cas the beginnings of a new wardrobe, they went grocery shopping. It was unseasonably cool for late May and Dean was in the mood for comfort food. He planned on making a roast, potatoes, and carrots in the crock-pot. His mouth was practically watering as he put away the groceries. Cas hadn’t had a peanut butter and jelly since he’d returned, and Dean though it was about time he made his friend his favorite lunch. After getting the food in the slow cooker he made Cas two PB&J’s and piled his plate high with Cheeto puffs. It was a weird combo if you asked Dean, but it’s what Cas liked. He had his own sandwiches and a beer for each of them tucked under his arm and went to find Cas. 

Cas was in his room, sorting his laundry. Apparently he had sensitive skin and needed to wash everything a few times before he could wear it. 

“I brought you some lunch.” Dean held Cas’ plate out for him to take. 

“Thank you, Dean.”

“No problem. Why don’t you join me in Sam’s room when you’re done here. I have an idea.” Dean gave Cas a wicked grin. 

Dean was sitting on the bed when Cas joined him. “I really need to get a TV in my room. This would be so much better in my own room. How’s your chest? You feeling okay?”

“I’m starting to think you just enjoy cuddling me.”

Dean choked on beer. After a coughing fit he said, “Dammit Cas, you can’t just say shit like that. I’ve told you a million times it’s not cuddling. It’s healing.” 

Cas gave Dean a wink. “You’re too easy, little brother.” 

Dean points at Cas. “Shut up! Sit down.”

They finished their meal and Dean had them all settled in for an afternoon of fun, when it felt the scratch of Sam trying to contact him. 

“Heya, Sammy.”

  
“Hey Dean. You busy?”   
  
“Give me just a second to finish up here.”

  
Dean was panting, “Come on, Cas, hurry up. I’m almost there. Just a little faster.”   
  
“Dammit Dean, did you really answer while you were doing… that? Just call me back when you’re done. Oh God, now I’m imagining you guys finishing. I need brain bleach. JACK, help!”    
  
Dean set down his controller and paused the game. “What are you talking about?” Dean drew his brows together. “Wait, what did you think we were doing?”   
  
“Uh, nothing… I didn’t know what you were doing,” Sam mumbled. 

Dean knew his brother well enough to know when he was hiding something.   
  
“Hold on, you didn’t think Cas and I were fucking, did you?” After a few moments of silence Dean continued, “Oh my fucking God Sam, you did, didn’t you? You thought we were fucking?”  
  
“No. I mean, I don’t know. You have to admit, it sounded like it. Let me finish, a little faster, I’m almost there. All while you were out of breath. You weren’t just talking with your mind, I heard you talking out loud. I thought you were trying to block images or something.”  
  
“I'm a little winded and your first thought is penetration?”   
  
“Well, uh no. I guess I was thinking more like a blowjob.”  
  
“Okay, you know what? You’re going to do the thing where you shut the hell up. Forever!”  
  
Before Dean severed the connection he heard Sam laughing and thought he may have heard the word “destiel”, but refused to validate that thought.   
  
Cas was staring at him wide eyed, he only heard Dean’s end of the conversation, and figured he had some explaining to do.  “Sam, he uh--”  
  
“Thought we were having sex,” Cas interjected.   
  
Dean ran a hand across the back of his neck, “Yeah.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because of the way I was panting when I answered him I guess.”  
  
“No, I mean why would his first thought be us having sex and not, I don’t know, playing a video game?”  
  
Dean felt like he was trapped. He hoped he never would have to explain this to Cas, but he wasn’t going to lie to him. What a new and exciting world this truth telling was.   
  
“Well, uh, so you remember those books Chuck wrote?” Cas only nodded. Dean was hoping Cas would choose that moment to go on one of his long rants about some random topic, as he so often did nowadays, but it appeared Cas had nothing to say about the Winchester Gospel.   
  
“So uh, I never told you about this case we went on. We were hunting Calliope, and it took us to this girls school, right? So she, Calliope, was at the school to um, I guess eat the director of the play or whatever. She was actually a great kid. Had a lot of talent. Not that I would have told her that. Although, afterwards I called her a bitch. I maybe should have ended on a nicer note.”  
  
“Dean, I don’t see what any of this has to do with Sam thinking we were copulating. Stop stalling.”   
  
“Right, no, you’re right. So while we were at the school the girls were putting on a school production of Supernatural. Based on the Carver Edlund books. So all these girls were fans of the books, but since it’s there were no dudes around the girls were having to play me and you. But it turns out the girls playing us were actually a couple. So when I saw us, er, uh, them dressed as us, on the verge of eating each others faces off I learned about a thing called subtext.”  
  
He was babbling. He hated when he babbled. He just didn’t know how to tell Cas there is a whole group of people, however small, out there imagining them having sex.    
  
“I am aware of what subtext is Dean. Are you feeling okay? Do you smell burnt toast?”  
  
“No one likes a smart ass, Cas.”  
  
Smiling, Castiel responded, “I disagree. So, back to us having sex.”  
  
“Apparently some of the people who have read the books seem to think you and I have a thing going on. Like a romantic thing. When Sam found out he started teasing me relentlessly. They even have a stupid name for us, man. Destiel.”  
  
Cas tilted his head to the side and dropped both corners of his mouth, giving Dean a look that implied, ‘not bad’ - a move he clearly learned from Sam. “Well, I can see without full context, and relying heavily on subtext, why these people would assume our relationship to be something more. Our bond is very profound, it would be easy for a casual reader to misinterpret some of our actions. What I’m still not understanding is why Sam would feel that way.”  
  
“I don’t know man, some shit about longing looks, lingering contact, or lack of personal space. I don’t fucking know. He’s Sammy. He’s just being an assclown. Ever since he learned about Destiel he’s given me shit. Always implied our friendship was something more. It kind of seems a lot of people want to use that as some sort of insult to us. Meg, Crowley, half the fucking angels and demons we’ve encountered make snide remarks about us.”  
  
“I have noticed that as well. I never mentioned it because I presumed it would make you uncomfortable. Our foes think that’s some form of degradation, but it would be an honor to be your partner.”  
  
Dean felt his face flush, “Jesus, Cas.”  
  
“No, you need to hear this. You think so little of yourself. Never giving yourself enough credit for all the good you have done. You’re loyal, funny, handsome, and kind, when you’re not being a dick. You always do what’s right, no matter how much it hurts you. You’re a good man, Dean. I would never take offense to being considered your partner, even if it’s not true. When you do find someone, I hope they will know how lucky they are.”  
  
Dean couldn’t say anything. He’d spent his entire friendship with Cas fending off bullshit comments about Cas being his boyfriend or lover. It always bothered him. Not because he was mad about being called gay - he didn’t give shit about that - but because he always felt it painted Castiel as someone so desperate they would settle for a loser like him. Castiel, the most badass angel in the garrison, was too good to be with Dean. Not that it was something he thought about often or anything. But when you have it brought up at least once a week, and even mentioned by snot nosed little brothers, well you can’t help but wonder sometimes.   
  
“I’ve made you uncomfortable. I’m sorry, I just--”  
  
“No. I’m not uncomfortable. It’s just, uh, that was nice of you to say, is all.”  
  
“Well I meant every word. You are a catch, Dean Winchester. I hope you know that.”  
  
Dean looked down at his hands. He was starting to get used to the nice things Cas said about him now and then. “Thanks, Cas.”

“Now, can we get back to kicking zombie ass?”

They played for hours. Cas was good at first-person shooter games, and that made Dean oddly proud. Usually when Sam would beat him or do better than him he would turn into a petulant child, but every time Cas bested him, he would pat his back and congratulate him. Touching Cas was becoming a mindless action. Anytime they sat together and didn’t have something in their hands Dean was placing a hand over Cas’ heart. They spend a lot of time watching TV, which, in turn, meant a lot of time being close. 

Cas assured him it didn’t matter where the contact was - his chest felt best, but even just their shoulders touching eased the pain, which, according to Cas, was lessening everyday. Dean always chose to put his hand on Cas’ chest, though. It was as much for himself as it was for Cas. It took him some time to admit that to himself, but with every beat of Cas’ heart it reminded him that he was here, alive, and human. As an angel he was intimidating, all righteous fury and pure faith. Now he was just a smart ass who couldn’t stand stiff cotton. That made it easier to be with him. 

Dean felt, for the first time, that Cas was on his level. Well, not exactly on his level, Cas was still pure and amazing, but close enough. It added an ease to their relationship they never had before. If he were truthful, what he had with Cas was the easiest thing he’d ever done. Even the honesty was getting easy - it still had its awkward moments, but nothing as bad as it was less than two weeks ago. 

It was strange to think how little time had passed, how quickly they fell into a domestic routine, but it was nice. And what was best about it was, for once, Dean knew Cas wasn’t going to leave. Not because he needed Dean to heal, but because he wanted to stay. He wanted to learn from Dean and experience humanity with the people he cared for the most. And as soon as Sam returned with their mother and Jack, it would perfection. It might not seem like that to an outsider, but it was more than Dean ever dreamed of having. He knew that wouldn’t last, that something would happen the way it always did, but he wanted to do his best to enjoy it while it lasted. 

They had given up playing video games and switched to Netflix. Cas was obsessed with HGTV and was slowly working his way through all their shows. Once, Dean suggested they take a break from TV and read for a little while. It was a suggestion he would not be making again. Cas went on a twenty-minute rant about Metatron uploading so much bad literature in his brain that he couldn’t imaging reading for another hundred years. Dean decided that was a bridge he was going to leave for Sam to cross. 

“I think we could do this, Dean. If we ever stop hunting and live normal lives, we could flip houses,” Cas said casually. It never occurred to Dean to ask Cas if he wanted a normal life. He just assumed he would continue to be the worrier he was trained to be. 

“Is that something you want, Cas? A normal life?” 

Cas shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s a nice dream I guess. Don’t you ever imagine what your life would be like if you stopped hunting?”

“Nah, I gave up that dream years ago. I know how my story ends. But your future isn’t set in stone. You don’t have to hunt with us. You can be the new Bobby. Stay at home, do research, and answer the phones. Or, you know, not hunt. It’s not like you have to. I don’t have a choice anymore, but you do.”

“I couldn’t do that Dean.”

For some reason this made Dean angry, “Why not? Fuck, Cas, how much do you have to sacrifice for the world before it’s good enough for you?”

“Me? Are you sure you’re not talking to yourself? You won’t be happy until something murders you. News flash Dean, people will care when you’re gone. I will care when you’re gone. So stop preaching about a different life or lost choices. Not unless you’re willing to take your own advice.” 

“And do what? Settle down, grow some vegetables? How long would that last, Cas? How long before some big bad come knocking down my door and trampling my carrots? I tried that life, wasn’t for me.”

“You’re such a stubborn ass. You can do all those things and still hunt. Maybe just don’t cross the country every week for a ghost. Call someone local for a milk run. You’ve given everything to save this God-forsaken planet, Dean, try and enjoy it for yourself. You have miles of free land out here. Plant your own damn carrots. Now, it’s actually a great time of year for carrots--” 

Dean was still angry and he didn’t know why. It’s not like what Cas was saying didn’t make sense. They knew other hunters now. They didn’t have to take every case, and truthfully he was sick of crossing the country twenty-three times a year.  He was tired and didn’t want to have this fight. He wished he would have just kept his mouth shut. “I can’t have that life, Cas. The second I’m happy it gets taken from me. Say we move out and start flipping houses. It’s going great. Hell, it might even be five years down the road. We just start to let our guard down and boom, someone walks in and kills you. I can’t do it again, Cas. I can’t think it’s all going to be okay, and then lose you again.”

“So what’s your other option, Dean? Always be unhappy? Always be scared you’re going to lose the ones you love?”

It wasn’t lost on Dean the way Cas casually slipped in the word love. And that was it, wasn’t it? He loved Cas and didn’t want to lose him. He didn’t want to imagine that house with the stupid garden and two-car garage, because he knew he wouldn’t survive losing it. “I just can’t--”

Cas interrupts, “Why do you separate the two?” He steps closer to Dean, lowering his voice. “It’s possible for you to have both. You can be a hunter and always have your guard up  _ and  _ be happy. You can settle down and have a garden. We could even semi-retire and fix up houses and still live in the bunker. I didn’t mean to start a fight. I just don’t want you to pass up an opportunity Dean. I’m not the only one with choices. You just have to be willing to make them, and take what you want.” 

Dean felt like Cas was speaking in code. He was telling him something more, but he was suddenly so exhausted that it wasn’t making sense. He wanted to end this argument and get some rest. “You’re right, Cas. I’ll think about it, okay?”

Cas took a step back. “That’s all I ask.”

“Look, I’m going to bed. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep since you’ve been back. Let’s just assume you’re going to have another nightmare tonight, okay? Bring your pillow and come to bed when you’re ready.” He had been woken up every night since Cas’ return to him shouting. They had shared a bed every night since that first night in the hotel. There was the one occasion he hadn’t heard Cas, only to be woken to Cas asking if he could stay with Dean. He usually heard Cas thrashing around and would join him in his bed, stroking his hair or his back. Sometimes Cas would wake with a start when he felt Dean touch him, but mostly he would calm and fall into a deep sleep. He didn’t mind sleeping with Cas, he just missed his bed, so he figured if they started out in the same bed they could at least get a full night's rest. It just happened to be an added bonus that he wouldn’t have to spend the night alone in a cold and empty bed after their fight. 

Dean went about his nightly routine trying to figure out what just happened between him and Cas. They were talking in circles and it seemed like they were both talking about something other than what they were saying. Which was distinctly going against their honestly pact. He decided he would ask Cas about it in the morning. 

By the time he returned to his room, Cas was already in bed. He’d half expected Cas to ignore him and sleep in his own room and suffer though the nightmares, because Dean wasn’t the only stubborn ass. He crawled into bed, leaving a few inches of space between them. They lay in the dark for what felt like hours, before Dean spoke up. “Cas, I’m sorry. I know you were just trying to talk and I snapped at you.” 

He felt Cas’ body relax, “I’m sorry too, Dean. I got irrationally angry. I want you happy. I want you to see how much you deserve it.”  

“I know. I know. It’s just hard to fight almost forty years of self-loathing to believe I deserve it.”

“But you’re trying?” 

“Yeah, buddy. I’m trying.”

“Are you only trying because of me?” 

“No. Maybe. I don’t know. Is it bad if I am?”

Dean couldn’t see anything other than Cas’ outline in the dark, but he heard the smile in his voice. “No.”

“Good. Now shut up and go to sleep. Big day tomorrow. I have a surprise for you. And if you bug me about it, I’ll change my mind and not take you.” 

“I look forward to it. Good night, Dean.”

“Night, Cas.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11 will probably take a few more days than normal. It hit some writers block and have had a busy weekend. I didn't have time to write much yet, but what I did write will earn it's rating if you know what I mean. ;0)

Cas woke from his first full night’s sleep since his return as a human. He was warm and comfortable and didn’t want to leave the safety of the bed. He knew that once they got up and started the day, the weight of all that was said the night before would weigh heavy in the air. They had both implied that they planned to be together, in some capacity at least, for the next five years. Cas just wasn’t sure in what context Dean wanted him around. Cas wasn’t even sure in what context he planned to be around.

He believed Dean when he said he gave up on that dream years ago. He suspected it was right about the time he had to wipe Lisa and Ben’s memories that Dean decided he didn’t get to have a relationship. Cas had told him last night that he could have everything he wanted. His family, his hunting, and still get to settle down. What Cas didn’t say was he could have all that with him.

The former angel knew there was always something special between Dean and him. It was more than the link between grace and soul. Sure, that played a part in what they felt for each other, but there was so much more. As an angel, Cas would feel Dean’s longing. He would tell himself it was just Dean missing his friend, yet it always felt different than when Sam missed him. There were moments when he and Dean would share prolonged looks where he could feel Dean yearning. He didn’t imagine Dean would ever act on those feelings, but Cas wanted to let him know the option was there.

He lay there, planning on how to react to Dean. Pretend nothing happened or be forthcoming with his intentions? He knew it should be the latter, given they promised not to keep things from each other, but some things should be allowed to stay private.

He was lost in thought when he felt an arm wrap around him from behind. Dean pressed his chest against Cas’ back, placing his hand on Cas’ abdomen. Castiel had gotten used to Dean’s hand on his chest. He believed the amount of contact they had shared had him well on his way to recovery. In fact, Cas hadn’t noticed much pain over the last twenty-four hours. He didn’t know if it was because they hadn’t been away from each other for more than an hour, or because his soul was almost fully anchored.  This, however, wasn’t the normal dose of healing Dean doled out, this touch seemed more intimate. He was sure if Dean woke up with his hand a scant few inches from Cas’ morning wood, he would flip out.

Cas tried to wiggle lower on the bed so Dean’s hand would be resting higher on his body, but as he adjusted Dean squeezed him tighter, burying his face in Cas’ hair. “Stop moving.”

Cas began to panic. He was sure he was only moments away from Dean waking up and realizing he wasn’t cuddling a woman he brought home from the bar. Dean had a surprise planned for him today, and he didn’t want everything clouded with awkwardness.

“Cas, go back to sleep or get up and make us breakfast. Either way, quit fidgeting.”

Dean knew it was him? He wasn’t going to wake up and have a big gay no homo freak out? That left Cas even more confused. Had Dean understood his intentions? Did he know that when Cas said he wanted a future with him, he didn’t mean just as hunting buddies? His head was spinning when Dean groaned and rolled over. He stayed frozen where he was; this made more sense, Dean rolling away from him in the morning, not snuggling closer. Dean heaved a dramatic sigh, and half turned to reach behind him searching for something. Once he found what he was looking for, Cas’ hand, he rolled back over pulling Cas along with him. Dean pulled Cas against his side, letting his hand drop as he repositioned himself. He was now laying on his stomach with one of his legs hiked up, bent at the knee. Cas’ palm was in the center of his back. “One more hour,” Dean mumbled.

Cas felt like he was doing something wrong like he was violating Dean in some way. Could he just lay here, rubbing Dean’s back until he dozed off? Dean seemed aware of what he was doing - he'd called him by name and told him to go back to sleep. Cas pushed the panic aside and seized what may be his only opportunity. If it turned out Dean didn’t want him there, he would apologize and go back to sleeping on his own. But somehow, he didn’t think that’s how things would end up.

It turned out that being injured and not sleeping well led to Castiel sleeping much longer than the hour Dean had requested. When he stumbled into the kitchen, later, he saw Dean standing at the counter, swaying along to a song playing so quietly Cas couldn’t make out what it was.

Cas bumped into the counter on his way to the coffee pot, startling Dean. “Look who joined the land of the living. I was considering waking you up before you slept the whole day away.”

Cas sat down at the table, trying to make sense of the numbers on the microwave. “What time is it?” he asked.

“Almost three.”

“In the morning? No wonder I’m so tired.”

“No, Cas. It’s three in the afternoon.”

Cas choked on his coffee. “We slept for 14 hours?” he croaked.

“Not we, buddy. I’ve been up for hours.”

“Dean, I’m sorry. Did I ruin your surprise?”

Dean placed a slice of pecan pie in front of him. “Nah, I didn’t plan on leaving until late afternoon anyway, but we should head out soon.” He sat down next to Cas with his own slice of pie. “Finish up and get a shower, then we’ll take off.”

“Are you not going to tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope, it’s a surprise. But you should wear a thicker shirt. Maybe that purple flannel I got you.”

After a quick shower, Cas changed into the suggested purple flannel. As he stared at himself in the mirror, he had to admit that he did look good. He knew that blue always brought out his eyes, but so did the purple.

He was back in the kitchen and ready to go in no time. He was considering making himself a sandwich when Dean walked in wearing a solid green button down and dark jeans. Dean always dressed well, but he looked especially good in those dark, form-fitting jeans. It even looked like he was wearing new boots. Cas wondered if Dean had dressed up to take him out but quickly pushed the thought away. This was probably how Dean always dressed when he wasn’t on a hunt. He just didn’t have many occasions to wear the nicer clothing.

Staring was normal for Cas, but he was aware that he’d been looking at Dean for just a little too long. He cleared his throat and turned to make his sandwich. He reached to open the bread when Dean stopped him by placing his hand on top of Cas’. “Nope, we will eat when we get there.”

Cas rolled his eyes but put the bread back. “We better get there soon. I’m starving.”

Dean chuckled, “That’s what happens when you sleep the whole day away. I promise it will be worth it. I need you hungry.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The drive wouldn’t take long, and Dean was thankful for that. He was excited to show Cas the wonders of a county fair. He’d taken Sam to one once when they were kids, and he couldn’t wait to see Cas’ reaction. The lights, the rides, the games - it was going to be a sight to behold, Cas staring at everything all wide-eyed and adorable.

They didn’t talk much in the car. Dean was too caught up in thought about the night before. When he went to bed, he knew Cas was saying something he wasn’t understanding, that there was a double meaning to the words he spoke. It wasn’t until he woke up the next morning happy and comfortable next to Cas that he understood. He was telling him that he could have his pie and eat it too. That he could be a hunter and still have the relationship he had so far only dreamed about.

For so long, Dean thought he could only have one or the other. But the apple pie life with a girl and a kid - when he'd had that, he wasn’t happy. He lost his brother, his life’s mission, and his best friend in one fell swoop - he had merely been existing when he was with Lisa. He wanted to love her, knew she was perfect for him. Sweet, beautiful, funny, and didn’t put up with his shit. But so much of who he was went missing that day. He went from Dean Winchester, hunter to Dean Winchester, suburbanite, overnight. He had always thought he had to choose between a relationship or hunting, but here Cas was, standing in front of him, telling him he could have both. That Cas was willing to give him both, nd he hadn’t responded.

He thought about it while he lay there in bed, feeling Cas fidget. He figured Cas was probably freaking out at what he said. Worried that he had pushed too far. Maybe if this had happened a month ago, maybe if they hadn’t spent so much time cuddling, it would have been too far, but now he wasn’t freaked out at the mere thought. There were still plenty of things to freak out about - commitment, the potential of losing his best friend to a breakup or losing his partner to a monster. But after spending day after day being intimate with Cas, the fear of losing that was what scared him most.

He was still imagining that morning in bed and how good it felt with Cas snuggled up behind him - yes, he was finally admitting that it was snuggling - when Cas broke into his thoughts, “Are we almost there?”

He was about to tell Cas that he sounded like a kid but remembered all the times he said Cas he was a child as a put-down and decided against it. He didn’t want anything ruining his date. Well, the fact that Cas didn’t know it was a date yet might ruin it, but he hoped to remedy that quickly. Cas wasn’t the best at hints and subtleties, but Dean didn’t plan on being subtle. He hoped his friend had enough pop culture knowledge to see the signs of the date. And if the way Cas stared at him when he saw him all dressed up was any indication, he felt he was off to a good start.

“Yeah, we'll be there in ten minutes. Are you that hungry?”

Cas ducked his head, “No. I mean yes, I’m hungry, but I’m more excited. I don’t think I’ve ever had a surprise before. Well, a good, intentional surprise anyway.”

Dean looked over and gave Cas his best flirtatious grin, “I know.”

Dean held his gaze longer than he should, but Cas was blushing with a sweet, shy smile, and it was everything. He was confident in that moment that if Cas really were offering an apple-pie life with a side of hunting, he would be taking him up on that offer. There was no way he couldn’t.

Cas’ face lit up when Dean pulled into the fairgrounds. It was late afternoon, and everything bathed in a yellow glow. Through the open windows, they could hear laughing and screams. There was music playing, and the air smelled like fried food. Dean was as excited as Cas.

“What is this,” Cas wondered aloud.

“It’s a county fair. You’re gonna love it. C’mon, first things first. Food.”

Dean paid their entrance fee and got them both wristbands to ride all the rides. He was sure they were about as safe entering a vamps nest alone, but if they could survive the literal apocalypse then surely The Zipper wouldn’t kill them. He could imagine the lecture they would get from Chuck if they perished on an amusement park ride.

Just as he suspected, Cas was adorable. He looked around at everything as if he were seeing it for the first time. He knew a lot about humanity, but it was always better to experience it firsthand.

Dean couldn’t wait until Cas had his first bite of fair food. “C’mon, food first, then we play a few games while we digest, then we hit the rides. If there’s anything you want to do let me know and we’ll do it, okay? Neither of us had a childhood, so tonight we’re kids. Overgrown, dangerous, world-saving kids. Come on Zoltar, let’s eat.”

“You know that’s not my name.”

“No, Cas. Of course, it’s not your name. Sometimes I really question Metatron’s tastes. Remind me to show you Big when we get home tonight.”

“Big what?”

“It’s a movie, man. Big is a movie. Kid wishes he could be an adult. Young Tom Hanks. It’s great.”

“Okay.”

Dean’s eyes were as big as saucers as he looked around the concession area. Where should they start? Corn Dogs, funnel cake, fried Twinkies? It was too complicated for him to choose, so he let Cas make the decision. Of course, Cas, the sensible one, decided to eat the corn dog first. They scarfed those down and moved onto funnel cake and frozen lemonade. He thought it was a little on the chilly side for a frozen treat, but Cas wanted it, so he got it. He tried to save the best for last. They found a picnic table and shared the funnel cake. Cas was scraping at his frozen lemonade when he held the spoon out to Dean, “You have to try this.” Without hesitation, he leaned forward and took the offered bite. They had been sharing food so often that this was just part of his routine now, only this time, thinking about sharing spit with Cas had him thinking completely different thoughts.

Thinking about kissing Cas was thrilling. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like. He’d never been with another guy before, and he wondered if it would be any different. It had to be different, he thought. For one, there was facial hair. Cas had a permanent five o'clock shadow. And he was almost as tall as Dean, too. That would be a nice change. But other things would be different also; it wouldn’t just be a means to an end, the precursor to sex. No, kissing Cas would be so much more. Great, now he was thinking about sex with Cas, and there was the panic he’d been waiting for.

“Dean?”

Dean’s eyes shot up to Castiel’s. “Hm, yeah? What’s up?” he squeaked.  

“You're staring at the game behind me. Do you want to play?”

“Uh, yeah sure. Yeah, I was looking at the game.”                       

He walked behind Cas dumbly. He really needed to get it together if he was going to try and prove himself worthy as Cas’ companion. He just couldn’t stop being awkward. This was worse than the time that Aaron kid hit on Dean as a ruse. At least then it didn’t matter if he made an ass of himself.

As he approached the booth, Cas was standing there smiling, simple as you please. He was completely oblivious to Dean’s internal struggle, and that instantly put him at ease. Of course, Cas wouldn’t notice Dean being weird. Cas was weird; it was perfect.

The first game they played was a shooting game. Great, Dean got to show off a little. He was an expert shot. He paid for both he and Cas to have a turn. They stood side by side, pellet guns in hand, aiming at the target. When the timer went off, they both started shooting. He was too busy watching his own targets to notice how well Cas was doing. He was used to shooting a real gun and had a hard time adjusting to the plastic piece of garbage in his hand. He was only halfway through his targets when the bell started ringing. “We have a winner, folks!” the attendant shouted.

Cas walked away from the game before he could claim his prize, a smug smile plastered on his face. “That was fun,” he said. Dean just mumbled under his breath. “Come on, Dean, don’t pout. It’s unbecoming.”

In a mocking tone, Dean replied, “Come on, Cas, don’t gloat. It’s unbecoming.”

Cas laughed as he walked away to find the next game.

They played a few more games. Cas popped enough balloons in one try to win a medium-sized bear that he immediately handed to a little boy walking past him. Dean experienced what he believed Charlie once called ‘exploding ovaries.' They played a water gun game where he redeemed himself in an impressive effort.

He was ready to take on the rides when Cas spotted a giant stuffed bee. He didn’t say anything to Dean, just walked towards the booth.

“Just so you know, this game is rigged. It’s almost impossible to win.”

Cas just shrugged and handed over his money.

The booth attendant was a rugged-looking guy who could have been a biker when he wasn’t working as a carnival booth attendant. Dean was pretty sure you didn’t call them carnies anymore.

“Ah, come on, let the guy play. I don’t cheat,” the not-carny said.

Cas threw his first ball at the metal milk bottles, knocking the top one off. He looked at Dean pursing his lips together. He threw his second ball and knocked another bottle down.

“C’mon pretty boy, can’t ya throw any harder ‘n ‘at?”

Dean glared at the carny. He was totally a carny now. Cas just huffed and threw his final ball as hard as he could. He didn’t react when he knocked over the rest of the bottles, just smiled and pointed to the bee. “I’ll take that one please.”

“Aw, ain’t he cute. You don’t get the big ones just for hittin’ it once.”

“Oh. Okay, thank you.” Cas replied turning to walk away. It broke Dean’s heart to see how sad he looked. He shot a pleading look at the guy standing behind the booth.

“Well, wait a minute now. I ain’t done with ya’.”

Cas turned back, looking confused. The carnival booth attendant faced Dean and asked, “Ain’t ya’ gonna try and win ‘at thing for your ol’ man? Looks like he really wants it. I’ll tell ya’ what. I’ll give you five balls and alls you gotta do is knock ‘em all five over at once. Shouldn’t be too hard for a strong guy like you. Whu’dya say?”

Dean felt like this guy was setting him up to look like an ass, but then the guy winked at him. Hot damn, the carnival booth operating professional was helping Dean out. He quickly reached into his wallet and pulled out a $20. The guy deserved every bit of it if he got Cas that stupid bee. “C’mon down here son, the lightin’s better.” Dean followed the guy to the last stack of milk bottles. He handed Dean one ball. He was supposed to get five, but he would only need one. Apparently, this was the only set not rigged up. He cocked his arm back and threw as hard as he could, scattering milk bottles everywhere. From somewhere behind him, he heard a soft gasp. He knew he was a dork, but he felt cool. Cas’ bee rescuing hero.

Dean’s wingman pulled down the giant stuffed bee and handed it over to Cas, saying, “Ya’ better make sure and thank him real good tonight, ya hear.”

Cas pulled his signature move, tilting his head to the side and squinting at him.

Dean stepped forward and shook the guy’s hand. “Thanks, pal.”

The guy gave Dean a soft look. “I know a first date when I see one. Hope it works out for ya’, kid.”

So did Dean.  

\------------------------------------------------------------

Cas cradled the soft bee against his chest. He felt silly for cuddling a stuffed toy but dismissed the thought immediately. Dean had insisted nothing was too childish. Cas supposed this was because Dean himself would be complaining of a belly ache later, and didn’t want Cas making fun of him for it. He didn’t understand the game and felt let down when he didn’t win the prize he had his eye on, but when Dean had stepped in and won it for him, that made it that much more special. So if he looked a little immature, he didn’t care.

Cas had never been on a date before, but based on everything he read and watched on TV, forcibly or not, it seemed as if Dean was treating this like a date. He paid for everything, shared his food, and there were even a few times when he placed his palm on Cas’ lower back as they stepped over the extension cables laying across the walkway or walked around people in the aisle. Those had almost killed him. All that paired with the sweet smiles, the random blushing, and the colossal amount of flirting, Cas was sure he was on his very first date.

It wasn’t like Dean was going to come right out and say, “Hey we got in a fight last night, and I’m scared of not having you in my life. Wanna date?” In true Dean fashion, he had been showing him since Cas returned. He wasn't even sure Dean was aware of it at first, and Cas sure as hell wasn’t. But looking back, things had been different from the moment he woke up with his head in Dean’s lap.

They headed to the Ferris Wheel, and Cas was working on a plan. He had been a Captain in his former life, after all. He wanted to show Dean he knew what was going on. He didn’t imagine they would ever have some big talk, Dean was never going to come out and tell him all the mushy, sappy things he felt, and that was okay. One reason their relationship worked so well, especially in battle, was Cas knew how to anticipate Dean. He knew the inner workings of his friend. If this were going to happen, he would have to be the instigator, approaching Dean as if he were a skittish kitten. That was okay with him. He so often gave control to Dean, because it was more important to the hunter. But this was something Cas wanted to take for himself, and he knew exactly how he was going to do it.

They stood in line, waiting for the next open carriage. “Thank you for winning this for me,” Cas said, holding up the bee.

“Don’t mention it,” Dean laughed. “I can’t believe you are still obsessed with bees.”

“I’m not obsessed with bees, Dean. I just think they are fascinating. Bees are imperative to our ecosystem and--”

“You two coming or what?” the ride operator droned.

Dean thought he was suave when he mouthed thank you to the teen before she latched their gate.

“I saw that,” he quipped, letting Dean know he hadn't got away with it.

Dean gave him a wicked grin and winked. “I know. I wanted to make her laugh.”

“Inconceivable.”

The ride jerked and Cas startled, reaching out for something to grasp onto. He didn’t plan to place his hand directly on top of Dean’s, but in his flailing, that’s where it had landed. This was much easier than his elaborate plan to get his hand touching Dean’s. So if he slightly stretched the truth just to stay closer to Dean, he was sure that wouldn’t break their honesty treaty. He removed the bee from his lap, placing it on his other side and scooted closer to Dean, hand still resting on top of his. “Hey, you okay, man?” Dean queried. Cas did his best to give Dean his puppy dog eyes. “It's just… Just not what I was expecting.” Which, now that they were rounding the top, Cas was sure he wasn’t even lying. “This is unsettling.”

“Are you scared of heights now that you don’t have your wings?”  

“Not scared of heights so much as not being the one controlling the height.”

“Ahhh, I get that. C’mere.” Dean said, pulling his hand from Cas’ and placing it around his shoulders.

“Thank you, Dean,” he said, staring up at the green eyes looking down at him. He tucked himself into Dean’s shoulder, while still holding his gaze. They had done a lot of staring in the nine years they knew each other, but nothing ever felt this charged. Cas wanted more than anything to just slightly stretch his neck up and place his lips on Dean’s. The moment the other man’s eyes dropped to his lips, Cas decided it was as good a time as any and started slowly reaching for Dean’s mouth with his own. He moved cautiously, waiting for Dean to pull back or give any indication that he didn’t want this. He was closing in on those perfect pink lips when Dean closed his eyes and moved about an inch forward. It was all the invitation Cas needed. He could feel the heat of Dean’s mouth, smell his aftershave. He felt a feather-light touch just as the ride jerked to a stop, causing them to knock their heads together.

“You wanna go another round, or are you getting off?”

Dean glared at the young girl running the ride. “Fuck. Come on, Cas,” Dean swore, reaching for his hand and pulling him from the carriage. He barely had time to snatch his bee as Dean pulled him away.

 

 

They walked a few feet when Dean turned on him. “Cas.”

Trying to defuse the situation, Cas pointed to The Zipper. “Let’s ride that one next.” He copied Dean’s move and took him by the hand, leading him to the ride. “Hurry up; there’s no line.”

They were locked inside a rocking cage before Dean spoke again. “You okay with this?”

Cas waited to respond. He looked out across the fairgrounds. Dusk had settled in, and all the lights on the rides had turned on. It was beautiful. He turned to Dean, his most genuine smile plastered on his face. “It seems scary, but I’m excited. It’ll be worth it, right?”

Dean returned the smile, sliding his palm against Cas’ and lacing their fingers together. “Yeah, Cas. It’s gonna be worth it.”

The ride was, in fact, worth it. After Cas let go of his fear he started to enjoy himself. Dean took him on several other rides, his favorite being a tilt-a-whirl. Then they took a break and ate fried Twinkies, the sweet treat being every bit as delicious as Dean said they would be.

It was getting late, and Cas was starting to get cold. Dean slipped off his grey canvas jacket and placed it over Cas’ shoulders, taking his bee so he could slide into it. It was warm and smelled like Dean, and Cas imagined this to be precisely what his Heaven would be like if he ever got to return home.

“Won’t you get cold?” he asked Dean.

“Nah, I’m good. I’m not the one recovering from… ” Dean dropped off. He cleared his throat, “How are you by the way? It’s getting late, and I should probably get you home.”

“I’m doing well. I haven’t experienced any pain at all today. But I think you’re right, as much as I’ve enjoyed our night, I am ready to go.”

They walked back to the Impala side by side, shoulders brushing up against each other. The ride home was quiet and comfortable. Dean had the music playing low, and Cas drifted off. The next time he opened his eyes, they were just pulling into the garage.

Dean softly brushed a stray hair off his forehead, saying, “Come on, Cas, let’s get to bed.”

They went through their usual routine of washing faces and brushing teeth. Every time they caught each other’s eye in the mirror they would smile shyly. They walked back to the room, and Dean grabbed Cas’ hand to stop him from walking.

“Dean?”

Dean scratched the back of his head. “Uh, well, um… It’s just...” Cas was watching as Dean slipped on his mask of false bravado. “Every good date needs to have a good night kiss.” Dean gently cupped Cas’ face with both hands. “That okay?” he asked, never breaking eye contact.

Cas’ only response was to lean up and lightly brush his lips against Dean's. His mouth was soft, and he smelled like nice aftershave and fried food. One of Dean’s hands slid around to the back of Cas’ neck, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. Dean pulled away quicker than Cas would have liked. He didn’t get to explore Dean’s mouth the way he wanted. But he knew there would be time. He just had to be patient.

Dean took him by the hand and led him to bed. They both crawled under the blankets and Dean settled himself in behind Cas, wrapping his arm around the other man and resting his hand on his chest. Cas placed his hand over Dean’s.

“You know, when you’re better, you’re gonna be the big spoon,” Dean said, nuzzling into Cas’ hair. They drifted off quickly, content with all the possibilities the future held.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has kind of an abrupt ending. I wanted to get something out to you before you lost interest in the story ;) So I broke up chapter 11 into two separate chapters. I have two more chapters planned out. I hope y'all like this, I'm not great at smut, so.....

Dean woke slowly with a heavy pressure on his chest. It wasn’t the weight he usually carried, not an emotional weight, but a physical one. He cracked one bleary eye open, looking to see what was on top of him. All he saw was a dark mop of hair. “Cas,” he breathed. The former angel was draped over him, head on his chest and arm laying across his midsection. Dean smiled and wrapped his arm tighter around Cas, placing a kiss in his soft hair. He couldn't believe all that happened the day before. Cas was aware that they were on a date and seemed to be okay with moving forward. He was surprised at his own comfort of the quick progression of their relationship. Losing Cas put things in perspective, and he couldn’t imagine living another moment without this. He could dwell on the fact that they could have had this a lot longer if they both weren’t so stubborn. It had been there for a long time, but neither acted on it. Instead, he chose to focus on what they now had, and that the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Who’s to say things would have worked out if they pursued this earlier. He knew first hand that there was no fate or destiny but also knew this could be divine intervention. He sent up a silent prayer of thanks to Chuck. Gone were the days of looking a gift angel in the mouth.

Cas hummed contentedly and nuzzled into Dean’s chest. “Mornin' Sunshine.” Dean’s voice was rough from lack of use. His bedmate didn’t respond, only slightly shook his head. Dean snickered, “You’re such a grump in the morning.” Cas lifted his head to glare at Dean, but there was amusement in his eyes. “It’s too early in the morning for your shit Dean.” The hunter looked down at his watch, “It’s not even morning, Cas.” He leaned down and kissed the former angle on the tip of his nose. Cas chased him as he pulled away, dissatisfaction painted all over his face. He stretched up and caught Dean’s mouth with his own, sighing into the kiss. It was nothing more than a firm press of lips, but Dean pulled away before things could go any further. “One thing you have to learn about being human is morning breath. It’s gross, and you can actually taste it. As much as I would love to wake up and make out with you,” Dean kissed Cas’ forehead, eyelids, and cheeks, “and believe me, I would. First, we’ve gotta freshen up.”

Cas dramatically dropped his head back on Dean’s chest, his deep baritone informing Dean that he wasn’t moving all day, insisting he was comfortable. He was too adorable to protest, so Dean lay there, slowly stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. He waited as long as he could before shaking Cas awake, “Hey, Cas. You gotta let me up man; I need to take a piss.” Cas responded with a simple, “No.” He would have thought the reply was funny if he didn’t have to go so bad. Dean tried to wiggle out of Cas’ tight grip around his waist, “C’mon Cas. I’ll be right back.” Just then Cas’ stomach joined the conversation, letting them know it also had needs to be met. Dean chortled, “If you let me up, I’ll make you chocolate chip pancakes.” Without a word, Cas rolled off Dean. “Atta boy. Five more minutes, then you brush your teeth and join me in the kitchen. I’ll have hot coffee and pancakes started for you.”

Dean rolled out of bed and made his way to take care of his bathroom needs. He had every intention of spending the rest of the day in bed after he and Cas had full bellies.

He finished in the bathroom making sure to brush his tongue extra well. He was walking towards the kitchen when he peeked into his room to see Cas sitting up in bed. The blanket in a puddle around his waist. He was just staring off into space. Dean planned on teaching him to be up and ready at a moment's notice, but for now, he would take in Cas adorable bed head and blank stare.

He sped off to the kitchen. The sooner he fed the grump, the sooner he could take him back to bed. A day full of napping, kissing, and even cuddling was all Dean wanted to accomplish. Maybe get to second base, if Cas was comfortable ready.

\----------------------------------------------

Cas was slowly trying to wake himself up. Dean demanded his presences for breakfast, and he was willing to oblige, but only for the pancakes. He was sitting in the middle of the bed when he saw Dean out of his periphery. The goofball was just watching him. Cas was doing nothing more than forcibly holding his eyes open, but Dean was looking at him like he was giving a striptease.  Before Cas could even say anything, he scampered off. With all the motivation he could muster, he climbed off the bed. Planning to be back under the covers before the sheets cooled.

In the bathroom, he splashed cold water on his face. It did the trick of waking him up as he gasped for air. It was early June, but the mornings were still chilly, and the water in the bunker felt like it should be frozen in the pipes. He made quick work of relieving himself, washing up, and brushing his teeth, and was padding to the kitchen in no time.

He entered the kitchen to the sight of Dean swaying his hips at the counter. He was pulling down ingredients from the cupboards, and singing along to a song playing through his Bluetooth speaker. Cas instantly felt filled with lust. He slowly stepped forward, not even having a plan. He just knew he needed his hands on Dean’s body, and would go as far as Dean would let him.

Cas slid up behind Dean, kissing his neck. His arms wrapped around the hunter's broad chest. He was peppering kisses along Dean’s hairline, down his neck, and across his jaw. “Mmm,” Dean hummed. He turned in Cas’ arms, pressing their lips together. This time nothing was going to interrupt them. They both had fresh breath, neither man had to urinate, and they had all the time they needed to explore one another’s mouths.

Cas licked at Dean’s lips, coaxing the other man’s mouth open. He felt Dean’s hot tongue slide against his and moaned. The kiss was slow and steady, but just under the surface, a storm was brewing. Dean sucked on his bottom lip, and it felt like lightning crashing through his veins, down through his arms and straight to his dick. He was already achingly hard from just a few minutes - the playful kissing they shared that morning was gone. He had a hunger he needed to sate.

He backed Dean up against the counter, sliding his erection up Dean’s thigh. Dean let out a loud moan and pushed his tongue deeper into Cas’ mouth,  sliding his hands down to cup his firm ass. Cas moved from kissing Dean’s mouth back to kissing his jaw all the way up to his earlobe, which he sucked into his mouth.  He nibbled and tugged gently on the lobe with his teeth. He paused a moment nuzzling Dean behind his ear, gently scraping his teeth against the sensitive flesh.

He pulled back and ducked his head to catch Dean’s gaze. “Is this okay?”

Dean squeezed his ass and pulled him impossibly close, “Fuck yeah, it’s okay.” Dean then took his turn tasting Castiel’s neck. He licked and nipped the same as Cas.

“I just, uuuhh, I just don’t want to push, ahhh, don’t want to push too far.”

Dean stopped and looked Cas directly in the eye. “I want this, Cas. Don’t feel like you’re pushing me. If I’m not down, I say no. Otherwise, you have my permission to try what you want.”

Cas growled and dove for Dean’s mouth, kissing him with a passion he didn’t even know existed. Dean’s body, face, and, well, just about everything was sexy, but nothing had turned him on more than Dean permitting him to take the lead. That kind of trust from Dean meant nothing but pure love.

He slid his hands under Dean’s shirt, pulling it over his head. He had never been more thankful for the single layer. He ripped his own shirt off hastily. Wanting to feel Dean’s flesh against his. His hands explored the expansive plains of Dean’s back, felt the strength from years of manual labor. He ran his hands down Dean’s sides with a firm touch, making sure not to tickle. He wanted more, but couldn’t decide what more was because he wanted everything. His cock was throbbing, and he was sure it was going to explode if he didn’t get some relief soon. He rubbed himself against Dean’s thigh and gasped at how good the small amount of friction felt.

“Cas,” Dean moaned, bucking his hips to match Cas’ thrust.

Cas slid his hands down inside Dean’s sleep pants and roughly grabbed his bare ass. Dean threw his head back and gasped, “Fuck.” He couldn’t wait any longer. He grabbed Dean’s waistband and pulled his sweats and boxers down to mid-thigh in one swift motion. He once again ran his hand over Dean smooth ass down to the backs of his thighs, where he grabbed Dean and lifted him onto the counter. “Oh, fuck,” Dean cried. Cas pulled Dean’s pants all the way off and spread his thighs apart. “Wait,” Dean panted, “do you really want our first time to be here?”

Cas gave Dean his patented ‘I will smite you’ face. “We can make love later, Dean. Right now, I just need to taste you.”

Dean leaned back as far as he could on the counter jutting his hips forward. Cas was ready to be done with the foreplay, and he wasted no time kissing his way down Dean’s body. He wanted Dean in his mouth but also wanted Dean to experience a little anticipation. He stopped at his nipples, taking one at a time into his mouth, sucking them between his teeth and nipping. He kissed further down Dean’s body until his mouth was a mere inch away from Dean’s cock. He paused with his mouth hovering over the bright red tip. He was open-mouth panting, making sure Dean felt the moisture of his breath on the head of his dick.

“Oooohhh,” Dean whimpered.

Cas looked up at the other man through his lashes, keeping eye contact as he slowly sank down on Dean’s cock. He never broke eye contact as he bobbed up and down on Dean’s dick. He took Dean’s thick cock down as far as he could and hollowed out his cheeks, sucking as hard as he could. He reached to play with Dean’s balls with one hand and stroke the rest of his shaft with the other. Slowly, he pulled Dean’s cock out of his mouth with a loud pop. Still stroking, Cas licked a stripe up the shaft, then squeezed the base gently and circled the tip with his tongue, paying extra close attention to the sensitive underside.

“Cas… fuck, I’m gonna come.”

Cas wrapped his lips around Dean's cock again. He ever so gently scraped his teeth along the bottom of Dean's erection, and that sent Dean over the edge. Cas felt come hit the back of his throat, and he moaned at the sensation. He had no idea he would love sucking dick so much. He was so turned on he couldn’t wait any longer. He freed himself from his pants and wrapped his fist around his own cock. If Dean had been more coherent, Cas might have bothered getting embarrassed at how quickly he came - just a few quick pumps, and he was shooting off all over the cabinets.

He slumped down in the other man’s lap, resting his head on Dean’s thigh. Dean gently brushed the hair away from his sweaty forehead. As he came down from his high, he lifted his eyes to see Dean staring at him with a reverent look.

Suddenly Cas was bashful. Dean was looking at him like he was the most interesting thing in the world. “What?” he asked, pulling away from Dean’s lap.

He was met with a smile. “I didn’t expect you to be such a tiger. I figured I would be the one taking charge in this department.”

Suddenly worried he did, in fact, push Dean too far too fast, he quickly tucked his now soft cock back into his pants. “I’m sorry Dean, I didn--” He was cut off with a kiss. Just a simple press of lips.

“Shit, please do not apologize for what you just did. That was the hottest fucking thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“Really?”

“Oh hell, yeah. I like that side of you. It reminds me of the old you. Don’t get me wrong, new you, the uh, human you, it’s the best version. But Smity McSmiterson from the barn was hot as fuck. I can’t believe I get to have both. The adorable you who cuddles stuffed toys, and the I-will-have-none-of-your-shit-Dean Cas from days past. About time I get my reward for saving this fucking planet more times than I can count.”

It was a strange compliment, to be considered someone’s reward. It didn’t make him feel like an object, but rather a rare highly sought after gem. Dean wasn’t always best as getting out what he meant, but lucky for him, Cas was good at understanding his meaning.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So.... a lot is going on right now. I just gave my two-week notice at my job to become a full-time crisis counselor. 
> 
> I wrote this before 13x01 so the Jack in my story will be nothing like the Jack from the show. In my story Jack has always acted like a full grown adult. Don't be weirded out, okay? He's totally an adult.

Dean was bleaching the countertop when he heard the heavy clunk of the metal door. He figured it was just Cas returning with their burritos and lube. They spent the whole day in bed learning each other’s bodies and using up the small amount of lubricant Dean had. “What do you want to eat first, burritos or m—” he turned to greet Cas with a smile that quickly turned into a squeak when he saw his little brother towering over him. “Sam?”

“Hey man.” Sam reached forward to hug Dean.

“Holy shit, Sammy, when did you get here? Are you okay? Where’s Jack? Where’s mom?” Dean asked, checking Sam over, making sure he had no injuries.

“Dean, I’m fine. I’m not hurt.”

Mary walked in the room, Jack on her heels. “Mom,” he whispered. Mary came rushing forward, crashing into Dean. He heard a choked sob and buried his face in her hair. “Hi, Mom.” 

Mary pulled back, and huffed a small laugh, “Hi, sweetie.” 

Dean's eyes shone brightly with unshed tears. He couldn’t believe they were home.

“We tried to call and tell you we got Mom, that we were coming home, but you didn’t answer. Time was weird there, dude. I never knew when you were sleeping.”

Dean didn’t respond, shock still holding control of his mind. He barely registered the door slamming shut again, and Cas’ muffled voice. When he finally broke out of his fog, Cas was standing there hugging Sam. And damn, if that didn’t make his heart almost burst. His whole life he had felt alone, his only companion being his little brother, but he was too busy being Sam’s protector to think of him as a friend. He was old enough now to know that Sam has been the best brother, partner, and friend he could ever ask for, but that didn’t negate the loneliness that followed him around since he was a child. But now, standing in his first permanent home, watching his family hug and smile at each other, he finally felt whole. He was going to have his pie and eat it too.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

They sat in the library for hours, talking. Cas and Jack went back out to grab more food, leaving the Winchesters to catch up. There was no significant prize fight face-off with Lucifer. Mary had escaped before he could to too much damage, and she was running with a pack of hunters until Sam and Jack found her. Sam chose to leave out the few times he got injured, or the profound bond he shared with Jack. He wasn’t the only Winchester tied to an angel.

Sam and Jack had jumped from universe to universe looking for Mary. They saw a place where Jess never died, and Sam got to live out his dream of being a lawyer. Another reality they ended up in was a land where John and Mary both lived. Sam and Dean were just regular kids that ran track and played baseball. It was particularly hard for Sam to leave that world. One time he walked into a house that looked like it was going through renovations. There were lights and cameras everywhere, and he saw himself and Dean standing outside talking while Cas paced around the front lawn. It looked like one of those Home and Garden shows Dean would never admit to loving. 

The strangest, and yet the sweetest reality was the night he saw Cas and Dean about to kiss on the Ferris Wheel. They didn’t stay there long since it was apparently not what they were looking for, but just the sight made Sam beam. It would be all too perfect if those idiots figured out they were perfect for each other. He’d never known Dean to hook-up with guys, but he knew there was always an attraction. Dean appreciated beauty no matter what form it came in, so it wasn’t unreasonable to hope it could happen. 

He had never hooked up with a guy before either. Maybe it was just something about Winchesters and angels. Jack was only half angel, but that was close enough in his book. Maybe it was because they had an open mind about everything else in the world, and love was no exception. If sexuality truly was fluid, it made perfect sense to care for a gender you never expected. 

As the night wore on, and everyone was glowing with a buzz, he considered asking Dean what he should do but thought better of it. Dean wouldn’t have advice on what to do with undeniable chemistry, lingering glances, and unnecessary touching. If he knew what to with all that, he would have himself a boyfriend already. Nothing happened with Jack while they were gone, but Sam felt that there was something there. He struggled with it at first, given that Jack was an infant when they walked through the portal, but the more time Sam spent with him, the more he saw Jack as another adult. He figured the reason he hadn’t acted on his feelings was that he couldn’t get over the weird age thing. It was best, for now, to leave things as they were and see how life played out back in the real world. 

Sam paced the halls, reliving all the small moments he shared with Jack. He knew Dean was going to call him a girl, but dammit if he didn’t want to confide in his brother. He was going to get teased for having a crush, and he’s sure the age gap would be the punchline to many jokes, but after that Dean would sit and listen and be the good big brother he’d always been. Dean taught him how to talk to girls; maybe he could help him with talking to guys.

He turned down the corridor leading to Dean’s room and heard noises coming from behind Dean’s door. Sam was thankful his brother was still awake. 

He heard Cas grunt, “Come on, Dean.” He laughed, damn Dean got Cas addicted to video games. 

“Hold on, Cas. I don’t want you to get there before me. We’re doing this one together.”

He knocked lightly on his brother’s door.

“I’m almost there, just be patient,” Dean breathed. 

“Fuck, Dean, I –”

Sam assumed they didn’t hear the knock because they had headsets on. He pushed the door open, “Hey guys, what are you pla --” His face fell. Instead of walking in on his brother and their best friend playing some first shooter game, he walked in on his brother hovering over said best friend. Cas was laying on his back with his left foot planted on the bed, pushing into Dean’s mouth which was, oh god… He had just walked in on Dean going down on Cas. His mind was screaming to run away, but all he could do was stare at his older sibling with his nose buried in Cas’ thick pubes. And oh fuck, he didn’t want to know what Cas’ bush looked like. Apparently, that was enough to get him moving, sputtering out apologies as he left.

He ran straight into the kitchen and poured himself a tumbler full of whiskey. He gulped the amber liquid until his throat was on fire and his eyes burned. After polishing off one glass quickly, he poured himself another, this time only taking a small sip. He reassured himself it would be fine. He’d walked in on Dean having sex before, not as often as it could have been, given their living situation most of their lives, but once or twice. It had scared him, but he moved on. He would move on from this too.

He was halfway through his second glass when Dean came sauntering in wearing nothing but a pair of threadbare sweatpants. No, fuck Sam’s life, he was still half hard and didn’t put on boxers. “Fuck, Dean, gross.”

His brother walked up and took the drink from his hand, taking a big swig and handing it back. The image of Dean with a dick in his mouth flashed in Sam’s mind, and he pulled his hand back, letting the glass fall to the floor.

“What the fuck, Sam? I thought I was in the clear of having this conversation, but apparently not. Look, Sammy, when two people love each other very much…”

“Fuck you, Dean.”

“Yes, sometimes that's what two adults want to do,” Dean laughed.

“You’re an idiot. Wait, did you say love? Oh my God, Dean, are you and Cas in love?”

“Shuddup.”

“No, seriously Dean.”

Dean deflated. “Fuck, I don’t know, alright? Maybe. It’s not like we’ve talked about it, okay? You happy?”

“I am, Dean. I really am. But you know how this goes - you hurt him, I kill you.”

“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be giving him that speech about me?”

Sam just glowered at his brother.  

Dean responded, “Yeah. You’re probably right. Good talk, Sam. Let’s never bring this up again, yeah?” He left the kitchen before Sam could respond.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean snagged a bottle of booze before heading back to his room. He figured he would need a drink to get through this conversation. It felt like cheating, but he needed to tell Cas how he felt and some hunters helper might loosen up his tongue. He giggled to himself - his tongue had quite a workout today, it should be nice and relaxed. 

He closed and locked the door behind him as he walked into the room. He didn’t want his mom or Jack walking in. He had every intention of finishing what was interrupted. “Well, the good news is we don’t have to have that awkward conversation with Sam. This might have been easier.” 

“This isn’t funny, Dean. That was humiliating.” 

Dean crawled up the bed, placing a kiss on Cas’ shoulder. “Nah, Sam has caught me in the act a few times. We have a plan for when this happens, just ignore it until it goes away.” Realizing what he just implied, Dean added, “I mean until the memory goes away. You’re not going anywhere, Cas. I promise.” 

Cas gave Dean a long-suffering sigh, “I knew what you meant Dean. But thank you for clarifying.” He grabbed Dean’s neck and pulled him into a sweet kiss. Cas was trying to deepen the kiss when Dean pulled back. 

“Wait, I, Uh. Um, can we talk?” 

Cas leaned back against the headboard, with a stoic expression. 

“No, it’s nothing bad. It’s just, I mean, we will eventually have to tell the family what’s going on. Only, we haven’t exactly talked about --” 

Cas surged forward, capturing Dean’s lip. Dean gasped into the other man’s mouth. The kiss was rough and dirty, and so hot. Dean felt himself grow instantly hard. His heart was racing, and his breathing was ragged. “Cas.” 

The former angel moved to kissing down Dean’s neck, starting at the bolt of his jaw and working his way to his collarbone. “Dean,” he said, kissing lower. 

As much as Dean wanted to let Cas continue down his body, he needed to get this out before he lost his courage. He cupped Cas’ face, pulling him back up into a chaste kiss. “Just let me say this.” 

Cas huffed, “Dean, you don’t have to say it. We don’t have to have this talk.”

“No, I know. But I owe it to you to --”

Cas pulled back, glaring at him. “You don’t owe me anything.” He settled back on the bed facing Dean. “I know this is hard for you, and I really appreciate you trying for me.  But I don’t need it. You’re a man of action, and you’ve shown me all I need to know. So it’s simple, we’re together. We’ll tell the family if you want to. If not, we let Sam spread the word. I’m sure he is just dying to call Jody right now. Everything about our relationship has been complicated thus far Dean, let’s not add to that, okay?” 

Dean gaped at Cas. The one person he wanted to confess his undying devotion to was the one person who didn’t require it. It was kind of poetic.

Cas insisted he didn’t need it, but Dean had to say it for himself. “Yeah, okay. Let’s keep things simple. But I want you to know Cas, this?” he said, placing his hand over Cas’ heart, the same spot he’d been clinging to since Cas came back, “This is mine, and I want it forever.” 

Dean wiped a stray tear from Cas’ cheek, slowing leaning forward. He pressed a gentle kiss to Cas’s mouth. “Cas, I want, uh, will you make love to me?” He was blushing from head to toe. He’d never said something so corny in bed, but he needed to feel Cas, need Cas to feel him. 

Cas only nodded and placed his hand over Dean’s heart. “Mine.” Dean smiled and shook his head in confirmation.

The room felt charged with something Dean had never felt before. He laid back on the bed, making himself comfortable while Cas gathered the supplies. Cas was so gentle with him like he was something precious. He took his time kissing every inch of  Dean’s body. For the first time in his life, Dean felt worthy of such attention. Cas had a way of making him value himself.

Cas slowly worked him open, whispering praise and endearments the whole time. Dean wondered when and how the other man learned how to do this. He was expecting pain and discomfort, but thanks to Cas’ deft hands, he only felt pleasure. The room was silent save for their heaving breathing. He didn’t know how long Cas had been preparing him, but he was sure it had been enough. He was relaxed and felt loose. He felt Cas slip the fourth finger in when he cried out, “Cas, please. I’m ready. I need you.” 

Cas let out a long moan and spread his fingers as wide as he could before removing them from Dean. He reached across the bed for the condom he sat out earlier. Dean shook his head, “‘m clean.” 

“I know, but it’s my understanding that this can be rather messy without one.”

“I don’t care, Cas. I don’t want anything between us.”

“Of course, Dean.” 

Cas gripped Dean’s hip with one hand and lifted him up, sliding a pillow under him. He never imagined that Cas would be so skilled, or knowledgeable, but he was grateful Cas had clearly been doing research. He felt the tip of Cas’ cock press against him and instinctively tensed. Cas shushed him and ran soothing hands all over his body, coaxing him to relax. 

He caught Cas’ eye and shook his head, letting his lover know he was ready to try again. He took a few calming breath as Cas eased past his rim. “CAS,” he cried out. 

“Are you okay, Dean?”

Dean was panting, and nodded. “Yeah, good. Just give me a second.” There was a slight burn, and the sensation was strange. It didn’t feel at all anything like the fingers. Cas leaned down, pressing kisses across Dean’s face as he adjusted to the stretched out feeling. 

He gave an experimental roll of his hips, and let out a long groan; it felt better than he imagined. Making eye contact with Cas, he rolled his hips again, giving Cas the go ahead. 

He rocked into Dean, keeping his pace languid. Just a few shallow thrusts and he was whimpering above Dean. So much emotion was put into those few small movements.

Cas reached for Dean’s hand, lacing their fingers together and taking Dean’s cock in his other hand. They were both panting and gasping, as Cas worked him over. He picked up the pace, stoking Dean in rhythm with his hips.

“Dean, I’m sorry, but I can’t last much longer, you feel so incredible. Better than anything I’ve ever experienced.”

“You too, Cas. It’s okay, just let go.” Dean knew he was just as close. A few more strokes and he would be coming all over Cas’ hand. 

“Fuck, Cas. I’m right there. Come with me.” Cas went stiff above him, and Dean felt his dick pulsing inside him.  Tears pricked his eyes as his orgasm washed over him. His body broke out in goosebumps, and he felt the tears fall from his eyes. He’d never felt anything so amazing in his life. “Cas,” he whined. 

“Dean?”

“‘S okay, Cas. I’m good. I’m better than I’ve ever been.” 

“Me too.” Cas pulled his hand from Dean’s to wipe at the hunter’s face. 

Cas slowly pulled out of Dean and reached for a t-shirt to clean them up. He wiped the come from Dean’s body, then himself, throwing the shirt towards the laundry hamper, not paying attention to where it landed. He lay on his back and pulled Dean over to curl up against his chest.

Dean was almost asleep when he remembered something. “Cas, you said you knew I was clean. How did you know?”

Cas hummed, “You haven’t been with anyone since I last healed you. When I heal you, I always clear any ailments living in your body. Injury, aches, pains, viruses. You’ve not noticed that you haven’t had a cold since we met?”

“Huh, I never noticed. Thanks, Cas,” he mumbled and drifted off to sleep. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Thank you so much for sticking with me. When Jack showed up on the show and was so different than I wrote him, I got a little discouraged. Anyway, here is the last chapter. Thank you so much for everyone who read this. I know it's hard to commit to a work in progress and I thank you for giving me a chance. I hope you like the end.

Dean woke that morning dreading the day; he wanted to lay there all day with Cas. Instead, he knew he was bound for awkward interactions with Sam. They would run into each other in the kitchen and avoid eye contact or make awful small talk which would be worse. He thought maybe he and Sam should implement the same honesty policy he and Cas were using. It was so uncomfortable at first, but things had gotten more comfortable as time passed. They had been trying to be more honest with each other the past couple years, but it seemed to always go off the rails for one reason or another. But he knew Sam would be willing to try. 

With a plan in mind, he sat about getting ready for the day. He was going to drag Sam out and for the first time in his life, be completely open and honest with him. 

When he was finished showering and getting dressed, Dean headed into the kitchen for a bite to eat before they hit the road. He choked on his spit when he saw Sam standing at the counter eating an omelet - the very same counter that held his bare ass just yesterday. He groaned internally - this was going to be more awkward than he thought.

Cas, who was sitting next to Jack at the table, peeked up at Dean through his lashes. And for the second time that day Dean wished for nothing more than a lazy day in bed making love. And wasn’t that just great? He couldn’t even say he wanted to fuck Cas because making love was better than any sex he’d ever had before.

“Dean, Jack has told me that my soul is fully anchored.” 

It shocked Dean - he hadn’t thought about Cas’ soul since before the date. They had used it as an excuse to find physical comfort in each other but didn’t pay much attention to it over the last few days. “That’s great, Cas. So are you fully healed?” 

“Yes, thanks to you.”

“Nah, I didn’t do anything.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Do I have to lecture you about giving yourself credit again?”

He ruffled Cas’ hair. “Please don’t.”

He lingered in the kitchen waiting for Sam to finish his breakfast. Cas and Jack were at the table talking quietly. It was sweet seeing them together, knowing that Castiel saw himself as Jack’s parent. Not that Jack would need a lot of parenting since he was already a grown man, which still made no sense to Dean. Even though Jack had said something about it being safer to be an adult in our world, it was nonetheless hard to figure out how he had aged himself.

Sam, moving to wash his dishes, broke Dean from his daze. He had to give up trying to understand Jack, or he was always going to be confused.  “I’m heading out on a supply run, Sammy. Why don’t you tag along?”

“Uh, sure. Just let me get my shoes on,” Sam said with a hint of worry in his tone.

Dean didn’t bother turning on the music as he rolled out of the garage. He wanted to get the conversation over with and decided to dive in head first. “So, uh, me and Cas are doing this thing --”

“Gross Dean, I don’t want to know --“

“Not that, you shithead. Just shut up. You always want me to talk - I’m talkin’.” He takes a calming breath before continuing. “As I was saying, Cas and I are doing this honesty thing. We agreed to stop lying to each other. And I figured, you know, maybe you and me could do that too?”

“What, like tell each other everything? Isn’t that a little too ‘chick-flicky’ for you?” Sam used actual air quotes, and he wondered if his brother picked up that habit from Cas.

“No. Not tell everything, just not lie. I mean I know we’ve been trying this for a coupla years, but it hasn’t really worked out, you know. But maybe this time it will stick. No matter how pissed off we get at each other, we just tell the truth.”

Sam started rummaging through the glove box. “What are you looking for?” Dean knitted his eyebrows together. 

“Where’s the letter opener? I thought we had a silver letter opener in here.”

“Jesus, Sam, I’m not a fucking shifter.”

“Are you sure, man? As long as I’ve known you, you have been allergic to the truth.”

“Shuddup. I’m trying to have a moment here.”

Sam chuckled and leaned back in his seat. “Don’t hurt yourself, Dean. I can practically see the vein bulging in your forehead.”  

“No, you don’t,” Dean rubbed his hand from his brow to his temple. “I don’t have a bulging vein,” he mumbled under his breath.

“You’re an idiot. Alright, let’s do this, Dean. Let’s be honest.”

“Okay. Yeah good. So I was thinking, maybe we get a free pass. Like a one time only answer every question. Get all of the baggage out in the open?”

Dean noticed Sam’s hesitation, “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. “Is it this awkward with you and Cas?” Sam inquired. 

“It was at first. But it gets easier. At least it did with him.”

“So I guess that’s the obvious place to start, huh? You and Cas?”

Dean didn’t take his eyes off the road. This was the whole reason for the trip, but he was momentarily having regrets. “Yeah. Who would’a thought.” 

Sam tried to hide his smile. “Well, me for one. Jody, Eileen… oh, and Bobby.”

“Bobby?” Dean squawked as his eyebrows shot up into his hairline. 

“Oh yeah, dude. Bobby was actually the one who pointed it out to me. Asked me if I ever thought you’d date a different species.” 

“A different species? Not that he was a guy?” 

“Nah, you’ve always checked out guys. It’s not much of a leap to imagine you hooking up.” 

“Well, glad you assholes knew before I did.”

Sam sat up straight and turned toward his brother. “So wait, Cas was the first guy you’ve ever been with? That’s so sweet, Dean.” Sam reached across the car and pinched his brother’s cheek. 

“I’m driving. I’ll kill us.”

“You wouldn’t do that to your car.”

Dean shook his head. He missed the moments like this. The light moments where it didn’t feel like the fate of the world rested in their hands. It usually did, but it was nice to forget that from time to time. 

“So yeah, Cas was my first. I don’t know, we had to spend so much time touching because of his soul thing, and he was having nightmares, so we, uh, starting sleeping in the same bed. God help me, Sam, it felt so normal. Everything has been so easy. He, uh, basically put me in place and told me to stop being such a shit. Apparently, you can be a hunter and still be happy. I’m still skeptical on that one, but he’s wearing me down.” 

“I hope so, Dean. If not, what’s it all for?”

“Beats the hell outta me.”

“So is it weird, being with a guy?”

“No. I expected it to be, but it’s not. I mean it’s different, sure, but not weird. It’s kinda good. I don’t hurt my neck bending down to kiss him. He’s strong like I don’t feel like I’m going to break him in half if I --”

Sam waved his hands in front of his face. “Please don’t finish that sentence.” 

Dean laughed. It was nice talking to Sam about Cas. He imagined endless teasing and more questions about how comfortable he was with his sexuality. He figured Sam would need labels and letters to identify him. He never thought Sam would just say cool. It was too easy - his little brother had something more important on his mind.  “Enough about me, Sammy. What’s been up with you and Jack?”

“Huh? Me and Jack? What makes you think there is something between Jack and me?”

“Dude, I just meant how was world-hopping. Hold on. IS there something going on with you and Jack?”

Sam scoffed and shifted nervously. “Pfft, no.” 

“Ten minutes in and you're already lying to me, Sam. What the fuck? What happened with you and Jack? He’s a fucking kid!”

“No. Nothing happened. I just, I, um, fuck, this is stupid. I think there might be something there. Nothing has happened, but it’s like there is a strong connection he and I share. We are really similar and have kind of bonded, being the boy who was supposed to be evil, you know?”

“You bonded? Would you say it’s a profound bond?”

Sam gave Dean Bitch Face number 326. “Seriously, Dean?” 

The elder Winchester grinned like the Cheshire Cat. 

“As I told you, time was weird there. We were jumping from world to world, and I had no sense of the day. It was night sometimes, and others it was daytime. I lost all perception of the passage of hours and minutes. It’s liberating in a way. I don’t know why but I never needed to eat or sleep. I guess it was Jack's grace. So we just talked. I was weirded out that I was so drawn to him. He was literally days old, but he talked about things like he was my age. Maybe he was using me as an example. I don’t know. There was no rhyme or reason to the things Jack knew. We spent hours exploring his powers. I mean anything that was emotion based is what he struggles with, but could explain to me how the pyramids were built.”

Dean drove in silence for awhile, finding a dirt road to pull over.  It was weird to him that Sam was showing an interest in Jack. He wanted to be supportive, but he still struggled with fully trusting the son of Lucifer. He put the car in park and stared out the windshield. 

“Will you say something, Dean?”

“Sorry, Sammy. It’s just weird. I mean, do we trust him? How do we know he’s not going to go dark side?”

Sam got out of the car and started pacing. Dean followed his lead, exiting the car, leaning his elbows on the hood of the Impala. 

“Don’t get pissed, dude. We're being honest. I just told you my concerns.” 

Sam stopped at the rear of the car and turned towards Dean taking a deep breath. “I get that you are concerned, Dean, I do. But I trust him. Can you just be with me on this? If I am wrong you can shove it in my face, tell me I told you so, do whatever you need to do. I know I’ve done a lot in my life to make you doubt my decisions, but I just need you trust me.” 

Apparently, being with Cas turned Dean into a big sap, because the second his saw his brother's puppy dog eyes, he rushed towards him wrapping him in a hug. “Alright, man. You got it. I’m with you. Just promise me you will be careful.” 

Even though Sam was a good three inches taller than Dean, he somehow managed to bury his face in the crook of his neck. It reminded Dean of when Sam was sixteen, all lanky and awkward. They shared a lot of hugs in those younger years; Sam was always so scared and confused. Nothing like the man that stood in front of him today - sure of his decisions, and asking for support. “I trust you, Sammy.” 

Sam gave him one last squeeze and let go. “Sorry, dude. I’m just a little spun out right now. It’s almost like it’s harder to cope with all this crap when it’s good, you know? We live in the shit every day, but for the first time in, well, ever, things are looking up and I am freaking out. Like, how can we even enjoy it? We lose anyone that's ever mattered to us, and all of a sudden we have everything laid out in front of us, almost as if we were in a Djinn dream or something.” 

“I don’t know how we reversed roles here, dude, but you just gotta take it a day at a time. Shit is going to fall apart, it always does. That’s just our lives. There will be a world-ending big bad soon enough. But I say for once we worry about tomorrow when it comes.” 

“Wow. If I had known this is how you would be once you got with Cas, I would have pushed you to ask him out years ago.”

“Shuddup, Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about things they never discussed before. Sam talked about what he remembered from hell, gave full detail of his Lucifer hallucinations and what happened that time Dean thought the chump lumberjack turned werewolf killed him in a remote cabin in the woods. Dean had never heard the whole story of exactly what happened and confessed to Sam everything about his conversation with Billie that same day. In turn, Dean told Sam about his year with Lisa, his regret about wiping her memories, if only because that left her in more danger, and about all the pent-up feelings he had for Cas that he never understood. Sam laughed at that and told him everyone they knew tried to get through to them they were in love with each other. Dean admitted that he was in deep denial, explaining his earlier realization that it wasn't because Cas was a guy, but because Cas was too pure for him. Sam gave him a soft look and Dean wished he had a bag of Cheetos to throw at his brother’s head. 

They walked around the store, collecting items they needed. If they were going to take a break and live in the moment, they were going to need a lot of food to feed four people. He learned that Jack did, in fact, eat and couldn’t wait to try Dean’s burgers. Sam bragging about his cooking made Dean preen. They got Jack a few things to wear until Sam could take him shopping and Dean couldn’t help but laugh at how weird their lives were. One Winchester took a former angel shopping for clothes, and the other took a half angel. 

Sam told Dean about everything they did while they hopped from world to world. Talking about the things he’d seen in details Dean would have never gotten before. It felt good just to be honest and open. Letting go of the anger was easier the more they talked. They both agreed to get Mary on board and were pretty sure Jack wouldn't be a problem since he hadn’t lied to them so far, at least not that they knew of. 

They returned home and brought in load after load of shopping bags. Sam took Jack to show him how to wash his new clothes, and Cas and Dean put the groceries away. According to Cas, Mary was napping. She had slept a lot since her return, claiming that she didn’t really sleep while she was away. 

As the family gathered for dinner that night, Dean realized this was the happiest he had ever been. For once he could see a happy ending on the horizon. Jack promised to protect them from any evil they may face, Mary swore she wasn’t even leaving the bunker again without one of her boys, and Sam and Jack sat just a little bit closer that night. He smiled as he dug into his apple pie. Everything was going to be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story. Come hang out with me on Tumblr same name I am here WaywardAF67. Please feel free to check out my other fics.


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